Why I disappeared for about ~3 years

[darkness35]

So I'll cut to the chase.  I didn't belong here.  I had a lot of shit that was going on my end, from losing my relationship (100% my fault), grad school, the political climate, and the field placement/internship I was doing related to grad school.  I did end up getting my MSW, became a temporary contact tracer before getting fired for some bullshit (payment/benefits/management was outsourced and outsourced to a company that had far too many complaints and vague handling), and eventually got my LSW some time in 2021.  Discord and twitch communities were places I ended up being more familiar with and I ended up sticking with that over here.  Plus, with my edgy personality at the time, I pretty much was a volatile and hostile person to get along with, and got pissed off with the usual shenanigans that was happening here and discord, including me getting booted because certain individuals kept on spamming with low-content.

 

Before I go into a more personal issues happening, I do want to call out a few things.

 

@ALIEN-gunner, I don't know what happened to you before 2016-2017, but my god you turned into a Trump incel and it got obnoxious really fucking quickly.  Even an 8 year old kid has more potential for intuition and emotional capacity. I wouldn't be surprised you were celebrating 1/6/2021. Seeing how you haven't been as active as of late, good riddance to you.

 

@Anathema-, my issue with you was that you had a big bias against my own actions, and often chose to hold me accountable for 100% of the consequences.  In retrospect I was pretty stupid, but it was good that you weren't a moderator in this community anymore, and I still remember how you acted an untouchable double-chinned asshole. Although reading around seems like you had some milestones, so if that humbled you, great.

@lucian04 or whatever his username is nowadays. Honestly, I thought you were a respectable guy.  I wasn't even going to bother calling you out, but when I confided to you about my suicide attempt back then, you made a shit remark about how I should have used a gun instead of 100 tylenols. And honestly, I'm glad you were wrong, and that I chose to dismiss that toxic mindset of yours. Shit's still rough, but at least I'm still alive to be better in every moment now. 

 

Rest of the D1P folks, yeah.  I'll be honest.  I wasn't great back then.  Still not great.  I only came by to see how this old community I once called home among many other places was.  Some of it remains unchanged, some people have moved on for better or worse, and some people remain stagnant for the past 10 years (good/bad/neutral).

 

So right anyway. Past few months after dealing with a lot of post-employment stuff had me thinking about a lot about my past.  Work supervisor and LCSW supervisor both brought a lot of "why does certain things causing a specific reaction," and what's causing my drive to be the way I am.  I disclosed to a few people here that I had a real shit situation growing up with family due my mental health history, and fighting to get attention/validation/love from my family who at this point were emotionally unavailable.  My 1 year 4 month stint at the non-profit gave me enough insight that they were awful, and I had my former team support that.  So when you have emotionally distant, dismissive, and unavailable parents who then end up similar traits to my families and clients, I realized that a lot of my own reactions were because I never had the skills to communicate and feel safe with my own feelings/emotions. The whole "fight for your worth, fight for your place, fight for your own survival," was basically the reason why I was this obnoxious idiot back then. I sounded arrogant, but it was a mask to show that I didn't know anything or wasn't good enough. I wanted to impress to show that I had potential; I probably did but the emotional/mental stuff was not fully there. Compounded that I haven't been home with family and dealing with this for more than half of my lifetime, I needed a place to belong.  That's why I stuck with IGN boards, other online forums, Day One Patch, Twitch, Discord, and so forth.

 

And recently, in addition to my past, my main flaw has been my own anxiety. Maybe I was bipolar, ADHD, or under the ASD spectrum, but I was in no way Oppositional Defiant as a main diagnosis. In hindsight, it's probably why I committed suicide because the cocktail of medications I was given never addressed how to deal with anxiety.  Tracing back to parents, I was told to suppress, ignore, and get over shit that bothered me. Or if I said and did the wrong thing, punishment followed. I sought validation in the wrong fucking places, and while I had a relationship between 2013-2019, I ended up destroying it with my own actions. I hurt people out of my own co-dependency needs because I didn't have the family/friend support that I wanted.  It's another reason why I had poor boundaries with people.  Hell, that was pretty evident in why I took things personal with the people above, or when Cmack and @CastlevaniaNut18got fed up with me (or I did at the end). I'm probably rambling at this point, but let's just say I remember a lot of shit that most people have either moved on, or forgot about.  I've yet to find my own closure so far in a lot of things.

 

There's more to it on my end, as I rather not get into the specifics, since I still remember how closed-minded folks here are. But yeah, I guess this former kid moved out of their nest and found their own path to life.

 

Anyway, @SaysWho?hopefully that answers your "hey what happened to @darkness35" Again it's only been 4 years since I've left, but at the same time too much has happened in 4 years. This whole community is what... 13 years old now?  We're all old and been through things.

[stepee]

We found out that @ALIEN-gunner was a pedophile and was attempting to groom a child here, so I can assure you that he will not be back.

[darkness35]

1 minute ago, stepee said:

We found out that @ALIEN-gunner was a pedophile and was attempting to groom a child here, so I can assure you that he will not be back.

 

Trumpers stay Trump.  Good riddance, and sorry for the kid, their family, and support systems. 

[Commissar SFLUFAN]

I banned Anathema- for a long time for an absolutely horrible remark he made about another user that I'm not going to dignify by repeating.  The ban was lifted but he hasn't posted again and I doubt he ever will.

 

I nuked Lucian's account (including a few alts that he made) when he started going down alt-right rabbit holes.

[stepee]

2 minutes ago, darkness35 said:

 

Trumpers stay Trump.  Good riddance, and sorry for the kid, their family, and support systems. 

 

Luckily nothing ever happened as they noticed what was happening and pulled away from him. But yeah he was a grade A piece of shit so it didn’t surprise me. I’m sure he’s out there now accusing innocent people of doing what he does.

 

Lucian also went full chud and is permanently banned here as well, for, surprise surprise, being cruel to sensitive groups.

[darkness35]

9 hours ago, Commissar SFLUFAN said:

I banned Anathema- for a long time for an absolutely horrible remark he made about another user that I'm not going to dignify by repeating.  The ban was lifted but he hasn't posted again and I doubt he ever will.

 

I nuked Lucian's account (including a few alts that he made) when he started going down alt-right rabbit holes.

 

Mind if I be blunt?  What stood made me stand out in giving me so many chances back then?  Especially when I declined the invite in returning to the discord, and when I later did nuke my socials temporarily by removing everyone off of my friends list(I'm leaving that separate for reasons; big reasons why I've requested to delete all instances of my online IDs)

[Commissar SFLUFAN]

2 minutes ago, darkness35 said:

 

Mind if I be blunt?  What stood made me stand out in giving me so many chances back then?  Even when I declined the invite in returning to the discord, and when I later did nuke my socials temporarily (I'm leaving that separate for reasons; big reasons why I've requested to delete all instances of my online IDs).

 

You were an asshole, but not an alt-right asshole.

 

Also, it was pretty damned obvious that you suffered from some type of personality "issue" rather than simply being one out of spite or trolling.

[darkness35]

2 minutes ago, Commissar SFLUFAN said:

 

You were an asshole, but not an alt-right asshole.

 

Yeah, wherever I am at now also pointed it out directly, and I still found out the hard way.  Still answering and fixing some of those mistakes :\

[best3444]

I have my own demons and psychological issues but I made a change in medication and I have been completely different in a good way. Welcome back and I really don't remember you too much and I'm sure you don't remember me. I'm very forgettable. 

[Keyser_Soze]

You've mentioned it in your post but yeah I do remember you having an edgy personality on occasion. But the two posts I've seen from you so far you seem to be pretty level. So it's nice hearing from you even if you don't even end up sticking around.

[Bacon]

Really sucked that Lucian couldn't keep his views to himself. He was a great gaming board poster. Anathema- never seemed the same after Hilary lost.

[SaysWho?]

Maybe you were edgy on Discord, but since I never go there, I never really found you edgy. 

 

Glad to have an update on everything. People are allowed to not post due to issues, people are allowed to try to get better, and these kind of things can be ROUGH and long-lasting. And honestly double-fuck lucian for being a chud and overall PoS for his comments. Guy's "fame" coming here was getting perma'd on IGN; let that be his legacy in this world and the most he'll ever amount to.

[stepee]

7 minutes ago, SaysWho? said:

Maybe you were edgy on Discord, but since I never go there, I never really found you edgy. 

 

Glad to have an update on everything. People are allowed to not post due to issues, people are allowed to try to get better, and these kind of things can be ROUGH and long-lasting. And honestly double-fuck lucian for being a chud and overall PoS for his comments. Guy's "fame" coming here was getting perma'd on IGN; let that be his legacy in this world and the most he'll ever amount to.

 

To me his legacy is that time he chased some kids out of his store down the street with a baseball bat

[darkness35]

1 hour ago, Commissar SFLUFAN said:

 

You were an asshole, but not an alt-right asshole.

 

Also, it was pretty damned obvious that you suffered from some type of personality "issue" rather than simply being one out of spite or trolling.

 

I mean coming from the edginess yeah, although in recollection while going through my old posts I didn't know how to be civil enough to communicate.  More of a "take it or leave it" moment and just fuck off. Regarding the spitefulness, I had moments of that, only because of how things didn't go in my expectation.  Kind of circling back the whole anxiety thing; wanting control of things and getting annoyed for not being able to control it.

 

1 hour ago, best3444 said:

I have my own demons and psychological issues but I made a change in medication and I have been completely different in a good way. Welcome back and I really don't remember you too much and I'm sure you don't remember me. I'm very forgettable. 

 

I did... end up forgetting the specifics we interacted, but I think you were one of the relatively mellow ones here.

 

19 minutes ago, SaysWho? said:

Maybe you were edgy on Discord, but since I never go there, I never really found you edgy. 

 

Glad to have an update on everything. People are allowed to not post due to issues, people are allowed to try to get better, and these kind of things can be ROUGH and long-lasting. And honestly double-fuck lucian for being a chud and overall PoS for his comments. Guy's "fame" coming here was getting perma'd on IGN; let that be his legacy in this world and the most he'll ever amount to.

 

Yeah, stuff I was going through between 2014-2019 wasn't great.  Pandemic stuff and in between was rough (Again, leaving vague because I still want to keep what's been going on in my end separate from here) and honestly affected me a lot in both positive and negative ways.  Guess it's a humbling experience if that's the right description?

[darkness35]

Will say that I pretty much did retire darkness35 completely in other areas of the internet. 

[Biggie]

Honestly I didn’t even notice you didn’t post here anymore. Welcome back I suppose. 

[darkness35]

1 minute ago, Biggie said:

Honestly I didn’t even notice you didn’t post here anymore. Welcome back I suppose. 

[Biggie]

1 minute ago, darkness35 said:

[darkness35]

4 minutes ago, Biggie said:

[GeneticBlueprint]

We never interacted much. But I'm glad to hear you're still around and working on the things that count in life.

[CastlevaniaNut18]

I really don't recall specifics, but glad to hear things are improving.

 

Man, fuck Lucian. What a total piece of shit. I feel bad for his kid.

[Jason]

Huh, I remember the Ana thing now that we're talking about it but I'd completely forgotten about it prior to this thread.

[Nokra]

Hi @darkness35, welcome back! It sounds like you're in a much better place than you were a couple years ago, and I'm very glad to hear it!  For what it's worth, I hope there aren't any hard feelings about our interactions in the past; there certainly aren't from my side.  

[CastlevaniaNut18]

3 minutes ago, Jason said:

Huh, I remember the Ana thing now that we're talking about it but I'd completely forgotten about it prior to this thread.

I was actually going to say it, but I saw Wade already had. Good riddance. Pompous, self-righteous twat. 

[Jason]

2 minutes ago, CastlevaniaNut18 said:

I was actually going to say it, but I saw Wade already had. Good riddance. Pompous, self-righteous twat. 

 

[GeneticBlueprint]

7 minutes ago, Jason said:

Huh, I remember the Ana thing now that we're talking about it but I'd completely forgotten about it prior to this thread.

Yo same. Haha. 

[Keyser_Soze]

I figured he was figuring out an excuse to leave because like Wade said, he's been unbanned but hasn't returned.

[Jason]

8 minutes ago, Keyser_Soze said:

I figured he was figuring out an excuse to leave because like Wade said, he's been unbanned but hasn't returned.

 

He did lurk a little bit apparently, his profile says his last visit was July 1.

[stepee]

Anathema is perhaps history’s greatest feminist 

 

 

 

just ask him

[Dodger]

I miss all the good drama

[darkness35]

16 hours ago, Nokra said:

Hi @darkness35, welcome back! It sounds like you're in a much better place than you were a couple years ago, and I'm very glad to hear it!  For what it's worth, I hope there aren't any hard feelings about our interactions in the past; there certainly aren't from my side.  

 

Let's say I still have current stuff that I'm unraveling, but difference is me lashing out in the past in contrast to currently processing it. 

 

I don't think I ever had any issues with you?  I feel like memory/emotional recollection you were overall pleasant when I was still in the Handheld gaming section. 

 

15 hours ago, Dodger said:

I miss all the good drama

 

Oh god fuck drama.  Shit sucks, especially when you're directly involved and there's no easy solution that comes from it. 

[SmugPrick]

A lot of heat from the mod staff on Anathema, but wasnt it this very mod staff that appointed him as a mod? Its not like he hid is personality before his "promotion". 

[Brick]

I actually hadn't noticed anathema not posting until it was pointed out here. Don't know what he said but must have been bad, but I guess he just doesn't care to come back and get into arguments with people again. 

[Commissar SFLUFAN]

5 hours ago, SmugPrick said:

A lot of heat from the mod staff on Anathema, but wasnt it this very mod staff that appointed him as a mod? 

 

No.

[Commissar SFLUFAN]

7 minutes ago, Brick said:

Don't know what he said but must have been bad...

 

I was this close to nuking his account outright.