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Why Your Team Sucks 2018

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The Browns


My favorite bits:


You blew a 21-7 fourth quarter lead to Brett Hundley, of all people. You cut Joe Haden and he IMMEDIATELY joined the Steelers and found himself in an AFC playoffs because of course he did. Leaving the Browns is like leaving prison. You see sunlight for the first time. You remember what real food tastes like. My God, is this a fresh orange? SENSORY OVERLOAD! I don’t know if I’m gonna remember how to pee alone!


They cut Brock Osweiler, but not before releasing the world’s worst hype video in his honor:


I’m still angry they made an AC/DC reference but used Metallica’s font. It offends me as a 41-year-old suburban dad, and it should offend you as well.

They tried trading second- and third-round picks for future failed Buffalo Bill AJ McCarron, only to have the trade fall through because they botched the paperwork.


A source with knowledge of the Browns’ sequence of events told cleveland.com that they sent their signed document to the Bengals with the expectation that the Bengals would also sign it and forward it on to the league.

Amazing. Fucking amazing. I wouldn’t trust the Bengals to make a fucking mustard sandwich properly, and yet here are the analytics masters of the Browns blindly entrusting their fate to Mike Brown’s fax machine. Why, it’s almost like the Haslam family is instinctively careless with formal documentation! Did I mention that the Niners got Jimmy Garoppolo for just a second rounder?


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Here is a history of QBs the Jets have drafted since the salad days of Ken O’Brien:

  • Christian Hackenberg
  • Bryce Petty
  • Tajh Boyd
  • Geno Smith
  • Greg McElroy
  • Mark Sanchez
  • Erik Ainge
  • Kellen Clemens
  • Brad Smith
  • Brooks Bollinger
  • Chad Pennington
  • Chuck Clements
  • Glenn Foley
  • Jeff Blake
  • Troy Taylor
  • Bill Ransdell

This is a draft history ineptitude unparalleled in its longevity and consistency. It’s the Cal Ripken Streak of Shitty QB Drafting. I sometimes wish I’d grown up a Bills fan.

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Bears are next. I dunno when Drew Magary wrote these, but if I were starting one now I'd start with the fact that the Bears inexplicably have not signed their first round draft pick yet, long after everyone else has, even though the entire rookie wage scale is set up to basically prevent this from happening.

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 The last Candlestick game I went to Trent Richardson scored a touchdown on us. We matched his touchdown and lost 27-7.

Johnny Manziel won a game as a Cleveland Brown against us. He has more wins as a Cleveland Brown then Brian Hoyer did as a 49er.

The Buffalo Bills have been to a playoff game more recently than us.

The Jaguars have won a playoff game more recently than us.




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This is obligatory, but so is everything else about Cincinnati: the town’s sole contributions to American life are race riots, forgettable ‘70s sitcoms, and revolting chocolate beef gravy. That’s it. Cincinnati is like what if Kentucky, but somehow also the worst big city in America? It’s also the worst city in arguably our worst state, and it should be cleansed from the landscape by a swarm of flying ants.

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