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Why Your Team Sucks 2018


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14 minutes ago, RedSoxFan9 said:

The r-words would be more likable if they were comically bad instead of mediocre 

That's probably one of the most frustrating things as a fan.  They're rarely absolute garbage.  They're pretty consistently competitve, but just...not quite enough.  Forever between 7-9 and 9-7 with an occasional great season thrown in to keep you on your toes.  Just competitive enough to make you think they have a chance week to week and making that inevitable failure that much more hurtful because you get your hopes up due to those flashes of competence.  If they just flat out sucked it would at least take the stress out of watching them lose; you'd expect it and wins would be a happy surprise.  But no; most of our losses will be by less than 2 scores giving fans the cruel illusion that they have a chance until the final minutes, week in and week out.  Honestly being a fan of this team is exhausting.

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Holy shit. The Redskins one had the most poignant yet obvious bit I've ever read in one of these. And it's fucking true. 

 

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Deep down I think you and I both know that NFL owners own their teams not because they want to win games, or even because they like football. They just like having a showcase. They like owning a public concern, and all the attendant social perks that come with presiding over that public concern. They like having local captains of industry and other assorted phonies pass through to pay their respects. An NFL team little more than billion-dollar cigar club for men intent on razing the Earth, and nowhere is that more evident than in Washington, where the Skins took their own poorly paid cheerleaders and pimped them out to a bunch of handsy old scumbags:

 

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They had a special assignment for the night. Some of the male sponsors had picked them to be personal escorts at a nightclub.

 

“So get back to your room and get ready,” the director told them. Several of them began to cry.

 

“They weren’t putting a gun to our heads, but it was mandatory for us to go,” one of the cheerleaders said. “We weren’t asked, we were told. Other girls were devastated because we knew exactly what she was doing.”

 

 

These are your Washington Redskins. Forget the Cousins fiasco, and Jay Gruden losing his playsheet anytime the offense gets into the red zone, and Jamison Crowder trying to catch balls with hands made of fucking plexiglass. All of those failures exist to distract you from the much deeper human failures that go on behind the scenes. The Skins exist so that Skin Jung Un (thank you) can drink Crown Royal on private airplanes and so Bruce Allen can get loaded in his office and so any number of hunchbacked goblins passing through can cozy up with Snyder and ram their hands up a cheerleader’s skirt.

 

They are a meeting ground for fucking pigs, and nothing more. They are emblematic of an America run by rich dickheads who stomp and cry and piss and moan and actively destroy lives anytime someone doesn’t give them what they want. Over the past two years I have marveled at the sheer number of horrible people who hold positions of unfathomable power in this country. How are they so fucking evil? And how are there so MANY of them? They are conscienceless and they are EVERYWHERE now, selling every last piece of the country away for flash money, and they always make sure to pass through Snyder’s luxury box to play kissy-face with a man who makes an ideal stand-in for all of them. Dan Snyder is worthless pile of shit and I hope he chokes on a lit Cohiba.

 

Seriously fuck this organization. From this to their shitty name I want them to lose every fucking game.

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Every Minnesotan right here

 

I had friends from Wisconsin. I went to camp in Wisconsin. Wisconsin has cheese, beer, and pretty woods. For the bulk of my life, it seemed like a perfectly normal, good little state. But now I know the truth about Wisconsin, and that is that it’s actually a fucking loony bin. The governor is a union-busting turd. The biggest city is more segregated than apartheid-era Cape Town and was run, until very recently, by America’s Most Corrupt Sheriff. Their most prominent congressman will go down as one of the most spineless enablers in human history. The cops beat up a Milwaukee Buck and laughed about it. The citizens have brains and asses made of boiled weisswurst. The entire state is a series of cool cities surrounded by psychotic suburbs in which people have been stifling their racism in the name of politeness for so long that their eyes are now just swirling like cartoon characters. It’s a cut-rate Illinois filled with crackpots, serial killers, and racists. Wisconsin is INSANE.

And frankly, I’m glad this is all out in the open now. Do you know much joy I get from knowing that the state of Wisconsin is completely dysfunctional, and that the Packers kind of are now as well? I have a hate boner that could touch the bottom of Lake Michigan right now, I’m just that excited. My team has a new stadium, a new practice facility to lure free agents, a good head coach, a good playcaller, and all of its good players are signed through 2020. The Packers have Beav and a roll of duct tape. WHO HAS THE UPPER HAND NOW, GREEN BAY?!!!!! THIS IS MY FUCKING TIME!!!!! I’m gonna pay dearly for all that baseless crowing but I regret NOTHING. I fucking hate the Packers and I want them to suffer.

 

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https://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2018-baltimore-ravens-1828383756

 

 thought I had reached the apex of my Ray Lewis hatred years ago, but no. No, my hate for Ray Lewis only continues to expand with time, not unlike the waistline of a Ryan brother. The hatred I bear has a full-on pituitary disorder because this twirling dipshit will eat entire planets whole before he ever cedes the spotlight. When Colin Kaepernick dropped to one knee, Ray Lewis dropped down on both knees because that’s, like, one more knee. FUCK EVERYTHING WE’RE GOING TO FIVE KNEES. Did Ray backtrack on his kneeling immediately afterward? You know he did.

And that was before his interminable disgrace of a Hall of Fame speech: 34 minutes of incoherent babbling that should have earned Lewis a one-way ticket to the loony bin. Here is a man who believes that doing the Chicken Dance makes him a vessel for God himself. Here is a man who obstructed justice in two murders and began painting himself as the main victim of that crime the second he got out of that limo. Here is a man who thinks school prayer will prevent child sex trafficking. Ray Lewis a constant, criminal embarrassment, and yet you people built a STATUE for this idiot:

 

That's the good stuff.

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