Fizzzzle Posted August 14, 2023 Share Posted August 14, 2023 This came up because one of my friends recently started dating my other friend's ex. I feel like there's a sliding scale. How long were we together? If we were together for less than a year (but we were "together"), give it 6 months. If we were together like 1-3 years, give it a year. If we were together for 5 years or longer... Don't do it, we're not friends anymore. I was with my last girlfriend for close to 5 years, and we had a pretty mutual breakup. We broke up like... 2 years ago? I think I'm finally at the point where one of my friends could date her and I wouldn't mind. I'd feel kind of weird about it, but not openly hostile. She's a good woman and we just hit a fork in the road of life - it's all good in the hood. But even THAT took me a while to get over. If one of my friends started dating her 6 months ago, I might have had some words. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
best3444 Posted August 14, 2023 Share Posted August 14, 2023 Fuck that shit. The answer is absolutely NEVER! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fizzzzle Posted August 14, 2023 Author Share Posted August 14, 2023 3 minutes ago, best3444 said: Fuck that shit. The answer is absolutely NEVER! I don't believe in that. My ex isn't my possession. If she finds happiness in one of my friends, that's cool. The question is how long before it doesn't hurt me. I suppose it also depends on the manner of the break up. Did she rip my heart out and take a shit on it, or was it just a "ehhh, this isn't working out" kind of thing? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
best3444 Posted August 14, 2023 Share Posted August 14, 2023 Immediately after my twin brother died my best friend starting hooking up with his fiancé and I litteraly cut him out of my life the day I found out. It's disgusting and there are millions of other people to date. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CastlevaniaNut18 Posted August 14, 2023 Share Posted August 14, 2023 Never experienced it, but you don't own the person and they're free to have a relationship with whoever they like. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Commissar SFLUFAN Posted August 14, 2023 Share Posted August 14, 2023 This could all be easily rectified if all relationships entailed contractual agreements which specifically enumerated these contingencies in its terms and conditions. 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brian Posted August 14, 2023 Share Posted August 14, 2023 I think a courtesy, “hey I am dating X” is sufficient. Like people said, you don’t factor into other people’s decisions to date. If you get butthurt, that is on you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fizzzzle Posted August 14, 2023 Author Share Posted August 14, 2023 1 minute ago, Brian said: I think a courtesy, “hey I am dating X” is sufficient. Like people said, you don’t factor into other people’s decisions to date. If you get butthurt, that is on you. Okay, but then you factor in "I'm going to start dating this person even though I KNOW this will hurt one of my friends if I do it." The hurt might still be on them, but you're still an asshole for doing it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Biggie Posted August 14, 2023 Share Posted August 14, 2023 If your friend dates your ex girlfriend or boyfriend then he or she was never truly a real friend Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fizzzzle Posted August 14, 2023 Author Share Posted August 14, 2023 A friend of mine just told me "half the length of the relationship." After that, it's fair game. I feel like that kind of lines up with my own experiences. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted August 14, 2023 Share Posted August 14, 2023 6 minutes ago, Fizzzzle said: Okay, but then you factor in "I'm going to start dating this person even though I KNOW this will hurt one of my friends if I do it." The hurt might still be on them, but you're still an asshole for doing it. The basis of the hurt is the wrong-headed notion that the friend has some right to the ex. The asshole in this situation is actually prett clear, and it isn’t the person entering a consensual relationship with another single person. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brian Posted August 14, 2023 Share Posted August 14, 2023 3 minutes ago, Fizzzzle said: Okay, but then you factor in "I'm going to start dating this person even though I KNOW this will hurt one of my friends if I do it." The hurt might still be on them, but you're still an asshole for doing it. You would want your friend to sacrifice their happiness because you can’t handle your feelings? Maybe when you are in high school, but as an adult, grow up snowflake. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fizzzzle Posted August 14, 2023 Author Share Posted August 14, 2023 Just now, sblfilms said: The basis of the hurt is wrong-headed not on that the friend has some right to the ex. The asshole in this situation is actually prett clear, and it isn’t the person entering a consensual relationship with another single person. Okay, but like... if you and your wife broke up today, and I started dating her a few months later... Yes, we're both single people who can do what we want, but I am still actively doing something that I know will hurt your feelings. I knew that before it started. It was a decision by me to hurt your feelings. Maybe not the intent of the decision, but hurtful nonetheless. I weighed the options of getting with your wife vs. maintaining my friendship with you, and I chose the former. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fizzzzle Posted August 14, 2023 Author Share Posted August 14, 2023 1 minute ago, Brian said: You would want your friend to sacrifice their happiness because you can’t handle your feelings? Maybe when you are in high school, but as an adult, grow up snowflake. That's why I'm saying it's not a blanket ban on ever dating my exes. But like, if you want to maintain our friendship, give me time to get over it first. Be considerate. (of course obviously it depends on the manner of the breakup. If I broke up with her, then I feel like I can't get mad at anyone for dating her) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlwaysDyingX Posted August 14, 2023 Share Posted August 14, 2023 Depends on the severity of the relationship. I dated women my friends dated and vice versa. Some men are more sensitive than others 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlwaysDyingX Posted August 14, 2023 Share Posted August 14, 2023 When I was 21 I hit it off with a girl my friend was dating, I asked her how serious it was, she said it wasnt so I approached him and let him know I was very interested in her and that I would be getting to know her more. I waited for his reaction, he said ok no problem, and that was that. We dated for a few years. Me and him are still cool A few months before this I slept with a girl on a one night stand my best friend dated for 5 months and she never slept with him. didnt have a chance to ask permission. He was pissed and slept with one of my exs. I congratulated him lol . We still boys to this day What it boils down to is fuck bitches, get money. Stop with feelings unless there was a ring on it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
best3444 Posted August 14, 2023 Share Posted August 14, 2023 10 minutes ago, BasemntDweller2 said: What it boils down to is fuck bitches, get money. Stop with feelings unless there was a ring on it I can get down with this for the most part. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheLeon Posted August 15, 2023 Share Posted August 15, 2023 I don’t have a good answer for this, because I have no exes, and very few friends. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
b_m_b_m_b_m Posted August 15, 2023 Share Posted August 15, 2023 3 hours ago, Fizzzzle said: That's why I'm saying it's not a blanket ban on ever dating my exes. But like, if you want to maintain our friendship, give me time to get over it first. Be considerate. (of course obviously it depends on the manner of the breakup. If I broke up with her, then I feel like I can't get mad at anyone for dating her) To me it is planting the seeds of doubt. Yeah we’re broken up now, but they got together “so quickly” after we broke up…was something going on behind my back? Was this the real reason why we broke up, and other reasons were to spare my feelings? It’s not a particularly good way to look at it, particularly with no evidence, but I can see how you can get from point a to point b pretty quickly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TUFKAK Posted August 15, 2023 Share Posted August 15, 2023 The next day, I didn’t own her and can do whatever she wants. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gamer.tv Posted August 15, 2023 Share Posted August 15, 2023 I mean…whenever. I’m not a petty person but it would be hard to get the idea of being compared out of my mind, at least initially. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jason Posted August 15, 2023 Share Posted August 15, 2023 21 hours ago, Fizzzzle said: I don't believe in that. My ex isn't my possession. If she finds happiness in one of my friends, that's cool. The question is how long before it doesn't hurt me. I suppose it also depends on the manner of the break up. Did she rip my heart out and take a shit on it, or was it just a "ehhh, this isn't working out" kind of thing? My ex isn't my possession, but it's a dick move by the friend if our relationship ended super poorly. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spawn_of_Apathy Posted August 15, 2023 Share Posted August 15, 2023 The same as the half life of uranium. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nokra Posted August 15, 2023 Share Posted August 15, 2023 I'd say that for me it has less to do with the amount of time and more to do with the way I'm feeling. I could have dated someone for years but broken up amicably and I'd probably be fine with someone else dating them pretty much immediately. And conversely, if I'd dated someone for mere weeks or months but they broke up with me and I was really upset at the breakup, I'd be pretty pissed if a "friend" would step in immediately, especially if they did so without giving me any kind of a heads up. It has nothing to do with "owning" someone and everything to do with respect for your friends' feelings, IMO. Because the thing is, I'd never want to stand in the way of my friend's happiness, and if they came to me and said "hey I know this is awkward because you just broke up, but I think I'd like to date X. What can we do about it?" I'd almost certainly say "go for it." But without that talk, it gives me really strong "I'll do whatever I want and you can just deal with it" vibes that I really don't want in a friend, rather than mutual trust and respect. Maybe that's just me. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ominous Posted August 15, 2023 Share Posted August 15, 2023 Their body their choice. Would not bother me a bit. I mean if it was the next day I'd suspect cheating...but even then it's not my problem. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fizzzzle Posted August 16, 2023 Author Share Posted August 16, 2023 I feel like a lot of you are thinking from the perspective of "would you be mad at your ex for fucking your friend." That's not what this is about, and I personally would never be mad at my ex for fucking my friend The question is more about whether you'd be mad at your friend for jumping on your ex before the wound has fully healed. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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