Would you tell someone you cheated?

[Fizzzzle]

I just got done watching The Haunting of Hill House, and (no specific spoilers) a "happy ending" is one of the characters admitting to their SO that they cheated. If you haven't seen it, don't worry, you couldn't even guess at what I'm talking about until the end.

 

Anyway, that got me thinking... How is that a happy ending? Telling someone you cheated almost always destroys a relationship, no matter how long ago it was or how often it happened. To me, the person who admits to cheating isn't doing it to make things right by their SO, they're only doing it to assuage their own guilt. Like, at least they got it out in the open, now they can sleep at night. It's all about them, probably just like it was when they cheated.

 

With my ex, I never cheated on her. But there was this one person with whom I very much had the opportunity to. And if I was honest with myself, I wanted to. The first time we broke up was me essentially telling her that. Like I clearly was not in a state for a relationship, so I cut it. I still never slept with that other woman, by the way.

 

I just think, and maybe I'm totally out of line here... if you cheat, but you know in your heart of hearts that you made a mistake and would never do it again.. you take that shit to your grave. That is your cross to bear. You get to die with that guilt and go to hell or whatever. Confessing is actually the selfish thing to do. It helps nobody but yourself and your own guilt.

 

 

 

 

[Biggie]

I never tell my right hand that I used my left hand. 

[Fizzzzle]

Basically, I imagine myself being cheated on (and I'm pretty sure at this point that my ex cheated on me, not that it matters as much as it did a year ago), and I think... you confessing does nothing other than make YOU feel better. You're not confessing because it might save our relationship, that ship sailed a long time ago. You are literally only doing it to make yourself feel better.

[Bacon]

Never been in a relationship but I have thought about it. I'd like to think I'd never cheat, but if I did I'd just admit it because the only way I could see myself cheating is if I viewed the relationship as over. That isn't to say I'd be moving on with the person I cheated with. It'd be like, Yeah, I cheated on you, we are over. Not so blunt of course. More like I'd end things and only tell them if they pushed for it. Even if they wanted to work it out or something I wouldn't. I probably wouldn't be able to not constantly suspect them of cheating on me in revenge or some shit. There is only one fantastical way that I could see us staying together but that only happens in porn. 

 

Of course who really knows. Never been in any position where any of that matters. I mean, if by some miracle I got a GF I feel like I'd be too desperate to ever risk being alone again. I'm pretty sure the only way I'd end a relationship is if I was cheated on. That would be an instant split. I'd pack my shit and leave asap. 

[Fizzzzle]

6 minutes ago, Bacon said:

Never been in a relationship but I have thought about it. I'd like to think I'd never cheat, but if I did I'd just admit it because the only way I could see myself cheating is if I viewed the relationship as over. That isn't to say I'd be moving on with the person I cheated with. It'd be like, Yeah, I cheated on you, we are over. Not so blunt of course. More like I'd end things and only tell them if they pushed for it. Even if they wanted to work it out or something I wouldn't. I probably wouldn't be able to not constantly suspect them of cheating on me in revenge or some shit. There is only one fantastical way that I could see us staying together but that only happens in porn. 

 

Of course who really knows. Never been in any position where any of that matters. I mean, if by some miracle I got a GF I feel like I'd be too desperate to ever risk being alone again. I'm pretty sure the only way I'd end a relationship is if I was cheated on. That would be an instant split. I'd pack my shit and leave asap. 

That's fair. Like, the fact that you cheated means you're clearly not in it, so at that point why keep pretending

 

But, like, it's not always that black and white I suppose

[Keyser_Soze]

Everyone this is important. I just want to clear the air.

 

I CHEATED ON THE OP

 

It feels terrible to have done it but feels great to have gotten it off my chest.

[Fizzzzle]

14 minutes ago, Rachel said:

 I would want to know

YOU would want to know, yes. That is indisputable. But for the person who cheated, why would they want you to know? Only to make themselves feel better. If they really cared how you felt, it wouldn't have happened in the first place.

[Fizzzzle]

1 minute ago, Keyser_Soze said:

Everyone this is important. I just want to clear the air.

 

I CHEATED ON THE OP

 

It feels terrible to have done it but feels great to have gotten it off my chest.

Exactly the problem, you slut

[Bacon]

6 minutes ago, Fizzzzle said:

But, like, it's not always that black and white I suppose

Of course but with no exp I can really only go with such black and white thinking. 

[Fizzzzle]

A quote from Entourage has stuck with me:

 

You tell a girl you cheated if you want to break up with her. If you want to stay together, you keep your mouth shut and just don't do it again. Otherwise, it's just a selfish way to get rid of your own guilt."

 

Loathe as I am to take advice from Sex and the City for Men, I think there's some truth to it. Admitting to cheating helps no one but the person who cheated. And maybe the cheatee(?) Deserves to know. But.. would you want to? Really?

[Fizzzzle]

4 minutes ago, Rachel said:

Honestly I don’t even necessarily disagree but I would also agree with the notion that it’s not so black and white 

Imagine that you made a terrible, terrible mistake. One that will haunt you forever. Would you tell your SO, even if it meant ruining your relationship?

 

Not to say you would ever do that, it's just hypothetical

[Keyser_Soze]

It's kind of a damned if you do damned if you don't situation and in the end it's up to the other person to continue the relationship.

 

You cheat, don't say. You're a POS

You cheat and you say, you're a POS but it's up to the other person to accept it and continue with the relationship or break up. Depends on how strong the relationship is and if the cheater can be trusted to not cheat again.

[DarkStar189]

I can see it both ways, I'm personally in the camp of admitting it rather than hiding it. When you are in a relationship with someone, I think it's understood you are committing to each other. Your supposed to be strong enough to make good decisions and not be unfaithful to the person you're with. If the other person held up their end of the bargain but you failed, they should be able to decide if they want to continue. 

 

I slowly found out over the years that in the past, my grandpa cheated on my grandma when he was stationed in Japan. He waited a while but eventually came clean. They already had 3 kids at the time. The marriage was downhill after that because then my grandma felt like she could get back at him by cheating on him with another man. She ended up getting hepatitis. They stayed together, but the older they got, the more they hated each other (and everybody could tell). 

 

Probably would have been a better quality of life had he not told anyone. 

[Mr.Vic20]

8 hours ago, Fizzzzle said:

Basically, I imagine myself being cheated on (and I'm pretty sure at this point that my ex cheated on me, not that it matters as much as it did a year ago), and I think... you confessing does nothing other than make YOU feel better. You're not confessing because it might save our relationship, that ship sailed a long time ago. You are literally only doing it to make yourself feel better.

Some or all of that is true, but I would argue that you owe the person you love the truth. If you don't feel that way then I would argue that relationships built on trust and mutual admiration last longer, are more rewarding, and hurt less.  

[best3444]

I was involved in an affair for over a year and half. The husband finally found out and they divorced. I will never cheat or do anything that disgusting in my life again. I ruined a family.

 

When I do get into a relationship I will never ever cheat on them. 

[Biggie]

1 hour ago, best3444 said:

I was involved in an affair for over a year and half. The husband finally found out and they divorced. I will never cheat or do anything that disgusting in my life again. I ruined a family.

 

When I do get into a relationship I will never ever cheat on them. 

Will you lie about buying a person a video game though? And then promise another person that you would buy them a video game behind the persons back that you made the promise to first? It’s the same as cheating you lying piece of shit. 

[best3444]

30 minutes ago, Biggie said:

Will you lie about buying a person a video game though? And then promise another person that you would buy them a video game behind the persons back that you made the promise to first? It’s the same as cheating you lying piece of shit. 

 

I genuinely laughed out loud to this 

[johnny]

4 hours ago, best3444 said:

I was involved in an affair for over a year and half. The husband finally found out and they divorced. I will never cheat or do anything that disgusting in my life again. I ruined a family.

 

When I do get into a relationship I will never ever cheat on them. 

she would have ruined her family with somebody else if not you 

[best3444]

4 minutes ago, johnny said:

she would have ruined her family with somebody else if not you 

 

Maybe. She tried calling me a few months ago but I didn't answer it. I know she remarried but I have no idea why she was calling me after 5+ years. You're probably right in that she would have cheated with someone else anyway.

[Brian]

Cheating is a selfish act so however that person rationalizes whether to tell or not, you can bet the decision is another selfish act. 
 

#NeverCheated

[Brian]

Just now, best3444 said:

 

Maybe. She tried calling me a few months ago but I didn't answer it. I know she remarried but I have no idea why she was calling me after 5+ years. You're probably right in that she would have cheated with someone else anyway.

Maybe there is a little Best she wanted to tell you about. 

[Guest]

I wouldn’t want to know. There isn’t anything the person could do to change what they did in the past. Are they doing the right thing moving forward? If yes, all that I would get is hurt feelings over the revelation. I think there is some responsibility to own the damage yourself as the cheater. Revealing it to your SO seems simply a way to unburden your guilty conscience. Nope. You have to live with your actions and protect the feelings of your SO from what you did.

[SuperSpreader]

1 hour ago, sblfilms said:

I wouldn’t want to know. There isn’t anything the person could do to change what they did in the past. Are they doing the right thing moving forward? If yes, all that I would get is hurt feelings over the revelation. I think there is some responsibility to own the damage yourself as the cheater. Revealing it to your SO seems simply a way to unburden your guilty conscience. Nope. You have to live with your actions and protect the feelings of your SO from what you did.

I have to tell you something

[stepee]

It’s sort of like the ten second rule with food dropped on the ground, if you call your siggie (siggie is a new cute way to say significant other I just came up with you are welcome) right after the cigarette then it doesn’t count as cheating, it’s just a break up.

[best3444]

6 hours ago, ManUtdRedDevils said:

Maybe there is a little Best she wanted to tell you about. 

 

She had an IUD so I was busting inside of her left and right. No baby best I'm sure of it. The thing that sucks is we were so good together and I was in love at one point. Just a fucked up situation really. Moving on...

[skillzdadirecta]

I've cheated, been cheated on and been the third party in a relationship... my motto is KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT. What's the point in telling your S.O.? Don't do it again and suffer the guilt of your actions as punishment. 

[Bacon]

I ain't taking no advice from a stinkin' cheater

[best3444]

50 minutes ago, skillzdadirecta said:

I've cheated, been cheated on and been the third party in a relationship... my motto is KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT. What's the point in telling your S.O.? Don't do it again and suffer the guilt of your actions as punishment. 

 

I kinda agree with this tbh.

[Brian]

Look at the cheaters banging together 

[Biggie]

1 hour ago, best3444 said:

 

I kinda agree with this tbh.

You would. Now buy me my damn game you fucking cheater. 

[best3444]

16 minutes ago, Biggie said:

You would. Now buy me my damn game you fucking cheater. 

 

[skillzdadirecta]

To be clear, when I say keep your mouth shut I mean don't volunteer the information if they don't suspect or ask. If they ask and are already suspicious, that means they already know and you should probably come clean and face the music.

[Brian]

If Blue Angel is agreeing with you, you know you fucked up 

[Keyser_Soze]

Advice from a cheater:

 

If they don't know keep doing it and don't say anything.

 

If they know, tell them because you got nothing to lose.

[best3444]

13 hours ago, ManUtdRedDevils said:

If Blue Angel is agreeing with you, you know you fucked up 

 

He's right on this. Go cheat and report back.