I'm in Pain - A Retch of Feels

[SoberChef]

Not just on a day to day physical basis that comes with age, wear & tear on the body, stuff like that. Mentally & physically in my heart I find myself aching at this very moment. For months, I've tried to stave off ruminating on any real empathetic level to fully encompass the enormity of suffering going on in the world over the last nearly half year. The loss of life suffered on a mass scale, the inability to mourn those lost, loss of job security and along with it income leading to reduced resources while confined for the most part in our own walls of a domicile if those are lucky enough. The day to day uncertainty of so many things while heart-wrenching aching for what once was and very well may never be again. 

 

Add to all of that what has gone on in just the last week and how tonight I find myself questioning just all of it. My own benefits of white privilege with regards to the life lived thus far, what I have been fortunate enough to have since childhood. The grace of the family who chose me via adoption and the gift that miracle was to the suburban life and insular nature of not being face to face with a lot of facets of how the world really is. Even via legal issues in my younger years and how I was afforded opportunities where those of any minority would have faced a far stiffer, most severe alternative. 

 

I find almost a sort of self-hatred in my mind that as grateful as I am, how awful it is that it isn't that way for so many others and I cannot come to terms, nor accept that that is the way the whole of the system is set up from the jump. This moral obligation that I feel so deeply & desperately even to find just SOME way to do some small part to help but having this sinking feeling that it would never be enough. Then atop of that is this feeling of it doesn't matter because those legitimately pissed off just decry that my own thoughts & feelings aren't as important. Social media being both "all or nothing" but also "my version of all or nothing, NOT YOURS YOU ARE WRONG!" 

 

I'm feeling as though I'm nearing a point of apathy about all of how things are because "what's the use anymore?" while yet still dealing with the shattering conclusion of just "fuck it, burn it all down and start again!" righteous indignation. 

All of this macroscopic insight is matched by my own small world of things personally & professionally that just don't at all seem to be going the way I thought they once should be and I am not entirely sure how to cope, deal, respond, or react to any of it. I am littered with a litany of questions both small and far too large all having to do with CHANGE on some sense of the word. Whether it is policy on any scale aforementioned, coming to conclusion that the life lived these last nearly 40 years is done and very well won't ever go back to how it once was, just so much doesn't make any sense to me any more whatsoever. 

Some may read this as "woe is me" or "poor you" but I post this not only as a sort of cathartic measure to get out the multitude of thoughts and emotions even just to stymie the noise however briefly, but also as a platform for the rest of us to share where your head and heart happen to be at all without bias, or fear, or censoring oneself.  

[Mr.Vic20]

I have only moments to type this as I'm crushed with work at present, but you're not alone in what you're feeling! Make sure to step away and just focus on something you can actually have some control over. Even if its just a hobby! Please take care of yourself and talk with a professional if you're starting to feel over the line. Gotta run, but hang in there Mr! 

[Remarkableriots]

@SoberChef

I agree with Vic and keep us informed on how you're doing. 

 

[SoberChef]

I really appreciate it @Remarkableriots& @Mr.Vic20

 

Actually had the opportunity to openly discuss this during a meeting this morning which helped alleviate it somewhat, along a text convo with a good friend for a bit. Like a pressure cooker, need to hit that release valve every now and again or else it gets to be just too much for us all. Don't ever hesitate to use this as your own way of sharing what's in your head & heart as well. I think we could all use a calming catharsis in these trying times. 

[Brian]

[Mr.Vic20]

4 hours ago, SoberChef said:

I really appreciate it @Remarkableriots& @Mr.Vic20

 

Actually had the opportunity to openly discuss this during a meeting this morning which helped alleviate it somewhat, along a text convo with a good friend for a bit. Like a pressure cooker, need to hit that release valve every now and again or else it gets to be just too much for us all. Don't ever hesitate to use this as your own way of sharing what's in your head & heart as well. I think we could all use a calming catharsis in these trying times. 

A thing I like to remind myself of, from time to time, is that technology gives us a God's eyes and ears, but no other powers. Do what you can, as best you can, and be at peace with that as much as you can. 

[AlwaysDyingX]

@SoberChefI'm sorry you are going through it. Hang in there man

 

 

Oh and ignore @Biggie he is just a 52 year old loser squatting in his dead parents house. Sad. 

[Bloodporne]

@SoberChef I've typed out posts like yours a few times during the past two years because I think the relative anonymity would help to just vent. I always end up deleting them after I'm done because the way I grew up has always been a 'don't ever let your guard down you'll regret it later' mentality. I'm willing to bet you everyone feels like this once in a while, if not regularly, especially during this absolute shit-tornado of a year. I hear you and if I started writing one of these up now, it'd be a fucking terribly written novella.

[SoberChef]

5 minutes ago, Bloodporne said:

@SoberChef I've typed out posts like yours a few times during the past two years because I think the relative anonymity would help to just vent. I always end up deleting them after I'm done because the way I grew up has always been a 'don't ever let your guard down you'll regret it later' mentality. I'm willing to bet you everyone feels like this once in a while, if not regularly, especially during this absolute shit-tornado of a year. I hear you and if I started writing one of these up now, it'd be a fucking terribly written novella.

The only thing stopping you from doing it and using this as the platform, is you. What I wrote is exactly as you said, just to GET IT OUT OF ME! It was SO incredibly cathartic. Since doing so, I've spoken aloud to a few friends, family, co-workers and the like and it's lead to some intense conversations and tears but afterwards, just a feeling of a weight removed from my head, shoulders, and chest.

[Nokra]

You're definitely not alone in feeling like that, @SoberChef. Life is pretty absurd at the best of times, and this year is absolutely nuts. Hang in there, and if you need someone to talk to, send me a PM any time.