Jump to content

Topic: spanking your child


johnny

On Spanking  

25 members have voted

  1. 1. Would you/Do you spank your child?

  2. 2. Are you opposed to other people spanking their children?



Recommended Posts

My friends and I talked about this and to my surprise I’m the only one that would not spank a child and I’m the only one who apparently thinks a child can be raised without smacking them. One also said it’s the best way to raise decent humans. To be clear, none of us are parents and we were all spanked as kids (only my mom spanked me, my dad gave me lectures which were torture at the time but more useful now). They agreed that once a kid gets old enough, timeout is just not a good punishment anymore and spanking must be used to teach them right from wrong. 

 

Where does D1P stand on these two questions?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Don't know if I would, but not really against people doing so. I have known new parents that said "they would never" but that changed as the kids got older. Some kids just won't listen. I also know of parents who do things I consider worse than spanking. Like locking their kid in a dark room or bathroom for timeout. From an adult perspective I find that worse. 

 

Edit: Of course there is a difference between beating and spanking. And no tools should be used. An open handed smack on the butt. I also don't think spanking should be used often. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 minutes ago, Bacon said:

Don't know if I would, but not really against people doing so. I have known new parents that said "they would never" but that changed as the kids got older. Some kids just won't listen. I also know of parents who do things I consider worse than spanking. Like locking their kid in a dark room or bathroom for timeout. From an adult perspective I find that worse. 

I don’t really care if other people spank their kids but what chapped my ass was them saying that its something that should be done if you want to raise a kid correctly. It was one of those BS “what’s wrong with America today is people don’t spank their children” kinda things. I stopped replying because I knew if I kept going I was going to offend my snowflake friends eventually. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, johnny said:

I don’t really care if other people spank their kids but what chapped my ass was them saying that its something that should be done if you want to raise a kid correctly. It was one of those BS “what’s wrong with America today is people don’t spank their children” kinda things. I stopped replying because I knew if I kept going I was going to offend my snowflake friends eventually. 

That’s a bullshit attitude from people who don’t have the patience and discipline to teach their kids how to act without threat of violence.

 

They are wrong. And to suggest America’s problems stem in any way from the fact that a child might not have been spanked just shows how out of touch with reality they are. 

 

Unfortunately, they might represent the general consensus.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

24 minutes ago, Paperclyp said:

That’s a bullshit attitude from people who don’t have the patience and discipline to teach their kids how to act without threat of violence.

 

They are wrong. And to suggest America’s problems stem in any way from the fact that a child might not have been spanked just shows how out of touch with reality they are. 

 

Unfortunately, they might represent the general consensus.

That’s kind of what I wanted to say to them but they’d get all pissed off like I’m attacking their parents or something lol. One of them thinks it’s the best to teach respect and “you can tell which people weren’t spanked as children”. Then I brought up that it’s not respect it’s fear and at best respect through fear but they didn’t agree because that’s not what happened to them.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think the evidence is plentiful that spanking doesn't do much good in disciplining your children and it can have harmful effects later on. There's really just no good reason to do it. I still struggle with the effects of what my mom did to me for years. 

 

I'm not going to report someone to the police for giving their kid a spat on the butt with an open hand, but it's definitely something I want to happen less as we move toward the future now that we know what we know. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, johnny said:

They agreed that once a kid gets old enough, timeout is just not a good punishment anymore and spanking must be used to teach them right from wrong. 

How old is a kid that is too old for time out? 

 

I feel like a kid would outgrow spanking first. At a certain size the amount of force you’d have to use for a spanking to do anything would cross the line into just beating up a kid. 

 

By then punishments go more into the removal of privileges and added chores. Such as turning data off on their phone, collecting power cords for video game consoles or gaming PCs, grounded, and doing a bunch of labor intensive menial chores around the house.  

 

I don’t see spanking as a must. It’s a disciplinary tool. Some kids it is the only thing that gets through to them until they’re old enough that other punishments are more effective. But there are kids so susceptible to punishment, even in lecture form you’ll never run out of non-violent ways of discipline. 

 

I believe discipline needs to be tailored to the personality of the child. Time out works like a fucking charm for a kid with ADHD that loves to run around. Not so much for a kid that spends all their free time sitting in front of a tv.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

54 minutes ago, johnny said:

That’s kind of what I wanted to say to them but they’d get all pissed off like I’m attacking their parents or something lol. One of them thinks it’s the best to teach respect and “you can tell which people weren’t spanked as children”. Then I brought up that it’s not respect it’s fear and at best respect through fear but they didn’t agree because that’s not what happened to them.

As you said before we can have the debate about spanking as a practice - it certainly gives the parent the immediate desired result that they want. 

 

But your friends went too far in saying it’s the “best” or that children who aren’t spanked are not up to some standard they’ve set. In that regard they’re just wrong. There are many other parenting strategies that achieve the desired result without violence. And I think that being the case it’s silly to advocate for spanking. 

 

As I said before, the other strategies are more work, so many (most?) people will not do them. And so they adopt the opinion that spanking is not only the right way to do it but if you DON’T, well man, you’re what’s wrong with this country today. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

24 minutes ago, Man of Culture said:

As someone who has both been spanked and physically abused - mostly by my cunt of a mother, my father was usually fair and lenient - I decided to adopt a non-corporal punishment approach to disciplining my daughter using a tiered system similar to the one employed in her school, but with a few modifications.

 

Privileges are granted based overall behavior, scholastic performance and cooperation throughout the day:

  • Purple - The highest ranking. Netflix (Kids) or Hulu for 2 Hours or Video Games for 1 Hour, Ice Cream for Dessert, Can retrieve one item from her donation bin, additional privileges such as field trips and doesn't have to do any extra home work assignments.
     
  • Green - An average ranking. Netflix (Kids) or Hulu for 1 Hour, No Dessert, has to do one extra homework assignment.
     
  • White - A below average ranking. Educational Television for 1 Hour, No Dessert, has to do two extra homework assignments.
     
  • Red - The worst ranking. For every instruction or command disobeyed, or for any bad action - hitting, throwing, etc - she must donate one toy to a child in need. Loss of all positive privileges until she gets 3 consecutive purple days, she has five days to earn her donated toys back.

 

I've found this system to work out pretty well for my daughter as the incentives to do well are strong enough that she consistently tries to perform her best. This shows in both her school performance as well as her relationships with other children and adults. She has earned honor roll (whatever that means for a kindergartener going to 1st grade) with every report card and has received a student of the month award on multiple occasions. While my daughter does have her bad days, they're so few and far between that I'd consider my method of discipline a success for the most part. My entire goal with her has been to instill an attitude that focuses on moderation, working hard and learning to compromise - if you want privileges, you have to earn them - while giving her an opportunity to be a child who forges quality bonds, with her friends, her teachers as well as my wife and I. 

 

 

@johnny it's entirely possible to raise well-adjusted children without resorting to violence. Simply replace violence with some other uncomfortable form of punishment - e.g. loss of privileges - and actually enforce that punishment. The one thing I've noticed with other parents is their reticence to enforce non-violent forms of punishment because it's difficult. It's extra work that has to be done and if you're a wage slave working 9-5 with little in the way of respite, actually trying to treat your child like a human being worthy of the dignity and respect that comes along with the title is quite a difficult thing to do. This is especially true for younger parents who grew up in households were such violence was the norm.

This is a good post and you should feel good 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

We don’t spank but I don’t care if other people do. Discipline is much more complex that just sparking or not and most parents are lazy regardless of the methods they use :p

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't spank my kid but I haven't really disciplined either, other than picking her up when shes in a dangerous situation or putting her down and letting her cry it out.

 

Most days shes good but it does drive your patience somedays. Especially when you're tired and stressed from other things.

 

Edit: as for being opposed or not when other parents do it, as long as its not abuse, i don't care. every child is different, every parent has different circumstances they need to overcome. theres no one-size fits all parenting method.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

4 hours ago, Man of Culture said:

This is what a terrible parent looks like:

 There are a bunch of these videos going around and they infuriate me every time. It’s one thing when you see some kind of in effective parenting method that the parent is trying their best with, and another to outright terrorize a child. And to do it for the purpose of likes and RTs on social media is next level ugly.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

23 minutes ago, Man of Culture said:

 

Seriously. This is the kind of guy who seems like he'd exploit his children via pranks and tricks - at their expense - for YouTube dollars.

No doubt about it. Their is something intensely sinister about this crap. I also really hate when parents post things to humiliate their children. I know a lady that was bragging the other day about going to her daughter’s high school and went to great lengths to be as embarrassing to the kid as possible because she got caught playing on her cell phone in class a couple of times.

 

Kids routinely fall into cycles of self-harm due to the treatment of their peers. Why would you give the other children ammunition against your child like that? 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

5 minutes ago, Man of Culture said:

 

Exactly. Public humiliation is probably the worst thing you can do to your kid. The last thing any reasonable parent should want is for their kids not to just fear them, but actually loathe them. I had disowned my mother for that very reason. She would publically humiliate us (my siblings and I), verbally abuse us and physically accost us with dog chains, glassware, hangers, basically whatever she could get her hands on and lift. She even stabbed my father in the neck on one occasion because he refused to abuse us in a manner she found to be befitting. Just an all around terrible person. Even as a child, I had vowed to never let my future child endure that kind of shit.

I’m sorry to hear that. I’m proud of you for breaking that cycle. Very easy for that sort of thing to be perpetuated generation after generation.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think spanking should be reserved for something that the kid was doing that was extremely dangerous that could've potentially resulted in serious injury or death, where you don't have time to wait to teach them normally. I think the only time I got a real spanking when I was a kid is when I was like 4 and managed to sneak out when no one was looking and wander down the block with my cousin who was maybe 3. It wasn't a beating or anything, just a spanking, which I was not used to and very much did not like, but it got the point across quickly and I never did it again.

 

We all like to imagine we should all have lead our kids down the absolute perfect path otherwise we've failed (and I think if you're spanking your kid on the regular then you did fuck up somewhere and you're not fixing the problem, just accentuating it) but sometimes, like what happened with me, things can slip through the cracks, and a quick lesson is needed. I had of course been told not to touch the door, the locks, and most certainly to not go down the street on my own, but for some reason I did. A parent can't eyeball a child 24/7.

 

But even in these cases, the more you do it, the less effective it's gonna be. In my case it startled the lesson into me, that I done fucked up. But if it happened regularly, it'd fade into every other spanking and would only effectively make me resentful, as I saw happen with a good majority of my friends when I was younger. I've done no studies, but I imagine that's a large part of the rebellious phases kids go through, especially when they get real out of hand. They're treated like abuse-able idiots instead of people, so they sneak out to go get a taste of what they assume is freedom, where they're treated like peers rather than nuisances. Obviously every kid and every parent is different, and the chemistry between them will be different as well, so it's not as simple as never do this or never do that, but I think if the parents I've seen are any indication, actually just listening to your kid instead of being annoyed when they have something to say or just going "uh huh" dismissively as you're not interested will be a great first step towards building a proper foundation for a relationship where your authority is more properly respected, rather than resented. You don't have to be their friend, per se, but you're not their jailer, either.

 

My daughter's 5 now and I haven't had to spank her at all, she listens when I explain why she shouldn't do something, asks for more details, etc. And it's not that she's just a quiet kid, he's super hyper and loud and energetic, but that doesn't mean you can't sit her down and talk to her. Maybe she will need a spanking someday, but even if so, I don't foresee it becoming a regular thing at all, and I think if your opinion is that a kid "needs a spanking to be raised properly" then you have absolutely no fucking idea what you're doing, and are patently stupid, and should never be a parent.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, Man of Culture said:

Patience, Endurance and Understanding are probably the biggest key components for any new parent. If you're 30 or older and have these features, you'll probably be an A-OK mom. My wife felt similarly to you, after some coaxing and actually going through with the whole ordeal, she turned out to be an absolutely fantastic mother. The only problem we had was her being almost entirely uneducated on vaccines, so that was a fun.. I actually took my daughter to get vaccinated and dealt with the blowback. Once she realized that vaccines don't outright murder babies or cause autism, she calmed down and we compromised with "Just don't get them so close together."

Well, I'm glad you were able to educate her on the vaccines. 

 

But like I said, there are a whole buncha reason I don't want kids that don't have anything to do with my own abuse as a kid. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I grew up with a physically very abusive mother and all it taught me was to be a violent and aggressive teenager and young adult who thought attacking back was the only way through basically any problem. I just remember being terrified of her and loathing her as an entity and learning basically nothing else. 

 

I don't have children, and am extremely reluctant to even think about having any with my family's history of mental illness, so maybe I'm talking out of my ass, but it doesn't seem particularly productive to me. Secondly I feel like it can be a sort of "gateway drug" to increasing levels of violence. I'm not saying it is most of the time or anything but...it seems easy to me to go from spanking to eventually grabbing arms a little too hard and so forth. 

 

All I know is that I was a very sensitive type of kid and got that beaten out of me and I'm still paying for it mentally. Doesn't seem worth it. 

 

PS: I know parenting is fucking hard and complex so I'm sure there are situations where it is appropriate in worst case scenarios as well. 

  • Sad 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

These stories break my heart. I hope you all continue to recover and grow. The wounds of abuse at the hands of a parent are some of the toughest to heal.

2 hours ago, Bloodporne said:

PS: I know parenting is fucking hard and complex so I'm sure there are situations where it is appropriate in worst case scenarios as well. 

 

I know the conventional wisdom is that parenting is a really difficult task, but that hasn’t been my experience. The early years (especially the 3s and 4s) have been the most difficult with all three of my kids (they are 12, 10, and 8) as many situations feel like negotiating with a terrorist.

 

Patience and persistence wins out though. Most often what I see as difficulty for parents is self-inflicted wounds that compound over time. Laying a solid foundation for your children and sticking to it takes some effort in the early years but pays off in a major way as they get older.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think I've convinced my wife that spanking our future kids is not ok. She grew up in Mexico, so the culture is very different obviously. What sold her is my aunt and uncle's children on my mother side. My aunt-in-law is the biggest bleeding heart lib you will ever meet in your life, but the job she did on her kids is truly amazing. Just really respectful, well-mannered children who were taught to be independent from a young age with zero physical violence.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

23 hours ago, Man of Culture said:

Eh, don't be sorry for me. She taught me a valuable lesson about humanity and parenting. If I ever had the desire for my daughter to want to have literally nothing to do with me, I have my mother as an example to follow. Literally not following her example makes me a better parent by about 1000% :cool:

I get this. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm not gonna read the responses because this topic too sensitive to me. Weak ass parents don't know how to raise their kids, lack patience and resort to violence. I raised two kids they are now 20 and 14 and I never spanked them. Having kids isn't easy but if you will resort to violence, take your shitty parenting shove it up your ass. Good luck having healthy relationship with your kids! 

 

Damn it I went and read posts but glad majority here are good parents. Amazing job @Man of Culture and I agree. I too was abused by my biological mother and we don't have relationship but I had and still do have lasting scars. Hence I raised my daughters very differently. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I spank my kids, but I know their temperament and what impact the spanking has..

 

I cant comment on others because the temperament of the child may dictate other simpler methods of correcting their behavior... telling a hyper kid to sit still somewhere is as effective as a good thorough spanking

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have a good relationship with my dad and I got spanked quite regularly. In hind sight I feel the spankings were deserved. At least considering the time period, where spankings were normal. Heck there was a public school district near us that still paddled kids up to the 90s. 

 

My father was pretty fair. If I got in a fight at school, but I did not instigate it, I didn’t get in more trouble at home. There were times I screwed up, went to my dad for help, and while he was disappointed and upset at what I did, he was happy I was owning up to my mistake and he was willing to help. 

 

When I was in high school he made me a promise that I wouldn’t get in trouble for drinking at parties as long as I didn’t get arrested, and didn’t try to drive drunk. If I needed a ride I could call him if I was unable to stay and sober up. 

 

I got in trouble quite a bit growing up. Maybe too much. The running joke for my family is I am still technically grounded. Because it is true. My dad just stopped enforcing it while I was in high school. lol

 

The worse my relationship has ever been with my Dad was in middle school and high school, long after my dad had stopped spanking me. My mother had just recently died and we both were so angry with the world. Depending on the day I was resentful she had died instead of him. And depending on the day, so was he. 

 

I feel for those who had parents that went too far and did so on a regular basis. The fact that I was spanked as a kid and never felt any ill will towards my dad, and it never felt like he was taking his day out on me, has to be why I don’t see spankings as some horrible abusive act. I had friends who’s parents beat them well into high school. For those that had parents like that I can whole heartedly understand their stance on any physical punishment for kids. 

 

For me it was one of many punishments. At times I even preferred it. A spanking would be over far faster than if my dad lectured me. My mom nearly fell over laughing once when my dad was lecturing me and I said “please dad, can’t you just beat me and get it over with.” My dad sent me to my room because mom’s laughter really killed his flow. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
×
×
  • Create New...