Dealing with death

[Fizzzzle]

Someone fairly close to me that I've known for a long time just passed away yesterday. He had parkinson's.

 

I went to work, and it had been obvious that I had been crying by that point. I'm sure my eyes were red and puffy. After a few different occasions where I just had to go and cry a bit, my boss was like "dude, just go home." I don't think he meant to judge by it and I didn't take it that way,  but I was just a bit of a mess.

 

I thought I had my emotions in control, but do you know what made me lose control? It was my uber driver saying "how 's it going?"

 

It sounds so stupid, but I've noticed a pattern in how I grieve people that I've lost. I bottle up everything and pretend everything is fine, and the first thing that makes the dam break is the first time a stranger asks me "how's it going?" That's what breaks me. Because this stranger doesn't actually care how things are going, they're just being polite, and my response is "good!" when every fiber of my being wants to scream "THINGS ARE NOT GOOD, I'M FUCKING FALLING TO PIECES," and that effort of lying about how I'm actually feeling causes me to confront my true feelings for the first time and I jsut fall apart.

It's like I'm able to pass off as "fine" as long as I don't have to lie about it. As soon as I have to lie to some stranger and tell them "yeah, everything's good," I just lose it. Like the extra energy it takes to lie to people strips away the wall that I had built around myself to get through the day. I don't have the mental energy to both bottle everything up and lie to someone at the same time.

[stepee]

3 minutes ago, Fizzzzle said:

Someone fairly close to me that I've known for a long time just passed away yesterday. He had parkinson's.

 

I went to work, and it had been obvious that I had been crying by that point. I'm sure my eyes were red and puffy. After a few different occasions where I just had to go and cry a bit, my boss was like "dude, just go home." I don't think he meant to judge by it and I didn't take it that way,  but I was just a bit of a mess.

 

I thought I had my emotions in control, but do you know what made me lose control? It was my uber driver saying "how 's it going?"

 

It sounds so stupid, but I've noticed a pattern in how I grieve people that I've lost. I bottle up everything and pretend everything is fine, and the first thing that makes the dam break is the first time a stranger asks me "how's it going?" That's what breaks me. Because this stranger doesn't actually care how things are going, they're just being polite, and my response is "good!" when every fiber of my being wants to scream "THINGS ARE NOT GOOD, I'M FUCKING FALLING TO PIECES," and that effort of lying about how I'm actually feeling causes me to confront my true feelings for the first time and I jsut fall apart.

It's like I'm able to pass off as "fine" as long as I don't have to lie about it. As soon as I have to lie to some stranger and tell them "yeah, everything's good," I just lose it. Like the extra energy it takes to lie to people strips away the wall that I had built around myself to get through the day. I don't have the mental energy to both bottle everything up and lie to someone at the same time.

 

I’m sorry to hear that  I don’t have anything to add but *hug < 3

[best3444]

I cry every single day due to the death of my identical twin brother. Believe me, I know what true pain really is. Sorry to hear about your friend. I understand your viewpoint on the whole "how are you doing today" comments. It's so true for me, too.

 

You will be ok and it's perfectly fine to grieve the way that you did today. 

[Biggie]

Death sucks. I lost both my parents to old age and my sister to suicide. I just bury the pain and push forward. Not much else you can do. Just be thankful you weren’t doxxed by Andrea. 

[TheLeon]

There’s no “right” way to grieve. Just avoid hurting yourself and others, and everything else is fair fuckin’ game, man. 
 

Also, that “how’s it going?” scenario: it is absolutely acceptable to say “honestly? Pretty damn bad.” No need to do the big blow up speech you see in movies. Even that small release (in my experience) helps. 

[best3444]

31 minutes ago, Biggie said:

Just be thankful you weren’t doxxed by Andrea. 

 

Wow lol

[Fizzzzle]

You know what else? It's easy to say "men are discouraged from showing emotions." That's not true, at least for me. I'm fine with crying in front of people. I realized that what happens is every time I feel sad or angry or in pain, my default response is to say to myself "there's no time for that right now, we'll deal with it later."

 

Later never comes. I just bottle everything up, not because I'm afraid of the emotions necessarily, but because my brain just says "now is not the time." And then when something as monumentous (is that a word?) As someone close to me dying happens and the flood gates break, it ends up just being like every bit of pain, sadness, and rage that I've been putting off all comes crashing in at once. A lot of it has nothing to do with anything else, it's just like... like I said, the dam breaks.

[silentbob]

Im sorry for your lose😢I’ve too have had a rough past 6-7 years from losing my Dad to cancer, Aunt to Covid and my Dog Buddy last week. I don’t think there is a proper way to grieve and everyone just does what they have too. I know talking with others will help, but I’ve still had moments this past week thinking of Buddy and losing it in my yard hugging Fozzie Bear and apologizing. I feel bad that we took away his friend and really saddens me seeing him alone looking into nothing/sad looking face. This over a dog and I was even worse with my dad. I’ll still get emotional moments seeing certain things while driving and it just triggers a memory out nowhere.

 

Stay strong and you know everyone is here for you, if you need us.

[Keyser_Soze]

Sorry to hear about that. Just do what you need to do to let it out.

 

🫂

[unogueen]

Respect the spirit and body. Your mind is but a translator and prognosticator.

[Commissar SFLUFAN]

The way to "deal" with death and grief is to not even bother attempting to "deal" with it at all.

 

Embrace whatever feelings and emotions you experience when they wash over you and don't make any attempt to try to hide or fight them.  If you're in the middle of store and you feel like you want to cry, then just let the tears flow right then and there.  If someone asks you "How you're doing?" then by all means respond with "Pretty damned terrible right now" and don't feel an ounce of guilt or shame about it.

 

This is exactly how I've dealt with Inuk's crossing the Rainbow Bridge for the last month and I make no excuses for it at all.  And neither should you. 

[DPCyric]

On 8/11/2022 at 9:26 PM, Commissar SFLUFAN said:

The way to "deal" with death and grief is to not even bother attempting to "deal" with it at all.

 

Embrace whatever feelings and emotions you experience when they wash over you and don't make any attempt to try to hide or fight them.  If you're in the middle of store and you feel like you want to cry, then just let the tears flow right then and there.  If someone asks you "How you're doing?" then by all means respond with "Pretty damned terrible right now" and don't feel an ounce of guilt or shame about it.

 

This is exactly how I've dealt with Inuk's crossing the Rainbow Bridge for the last month and I make no excuses for it at all.  And neither should you. 

 

Yup that's exactly the way to do it I've been doing the same lately too 

[AlwaysDyingX]

Sorry to hear you experienced the loss of a loved one and you're are having a rough go of it.  Hang in there Fizzy