Ghost_MH Posted July 28, 2021 Share Posted July 28, 2021 Let's get this party started with the Jaguars... Why Your Team Sucks 2021: Jacksonville Jaguars | Defector DEFECTOR.COM Two years from now, after yet another 1–15 season, Urban Meyer will get bored and then have the Jags’ medical staff research a plausible fake diagnosis so that he can re-re-re-re-re-retire and magically... Quote The good news is that this roster of botfly eggs will be tended to by a coaching staff of guys that other fanbases have hated for LIFETIMES: Darrell Bevell, Brian Schottenheimer, Charlie Strong. I’m surprised Urban didn’t keep Marrone aboard just for the purpose of sadism. This team makes me not want to watch football. They make want to read books to pass the time instead. This is actually true. I will likely skip their games versus the Patriots while pretending Urban Meyer isn't a person that exists anymore. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CayceG Posted July 28, 2021 Share Posted July 28, 2021 This is just about the only reason I look forward to football season. Drew Magary has taught me that hating is loving. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thewhyteboar Posted July 28, 2021 Share Posted July 28, 2021 Urban Meyer was such a dumb hire. He will bail with some fake issue once the going gets tough. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris- Posted July 30, 2021 Share Posted July 30, 2021 The @Kal-El814 Variety Hour Quote But this is the kind of fanbase we’re dealing with here. This is Andrew Cuomo’s COVID mountain in human form. There’s nothing to brag about when you’re a Jets fan. The only time you people felt genuinely victorious was when Rudy Giuliani banged your mom. You’ve won nothing. You have no one. Everyone fucking hates you and, in fact, wishes genuine harm upon your body. And yet you people never shut the fuck up. Ever. I resent the fact that the Jets, simply by dint of being located next to New York, get national attention when they have all the history and ability of a fucking AAF squad and fans who think they’re all made men because they remember six lines from The Sopranos. I have no use for this Newark airport of sports teams. I hope the Jets get hit by a fucking comet. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kal-El814 Posted July 30, 2021 Share Posted July 30, 2021 11 hours ago, Chris- said: The @Kal-El814 Variety Hour It’s funny but honestly the Jets aren’t even worth the ink / bandwidth. Them being New York adjacent is the only thing that makes them relevant to the extent that they are, which is barely. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ricofoley Posted August 1, 2021 Share Posted August 1, 2021 Anybody watch the Defector trivia games they do on Twitch every Thursday? They're pretty fun to throw on in the background while you're doing something else. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thewhyteboar Posted August 4, 2021 Share Posted August 4, 2021 Why Your Team Sucks 2021: Cincinnati Bengals | Defector DEFECTOR.COM The Bengals will never have it better than they did under Marvin Lewis, when they went to a wild card game every year and lost to, like, TJ Yates. That was Cincy at its very best: a team talented... The Bengals one is really good. On the field, all the key pieces of the Marvin Lewis Bengals are now gone. No more Gio Bernard. No more AJ Green. No more Geno Atkins. If you were a fan during the Lewis years, you’re probably jazzed about the fresh start. A new, trashy orange dawn awaits you. But again, we must account for reality, which tells us that the Bengals will never have it better than they did under Lewis, when they went to a wild card game every year and lost to, like, TJ Yates. That was Cincy at its very best: a team talented enough to occasionally resemble the Atlanta Falcons. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris- Posted August 8, 2021 Share Posted August 8, 2021 On 8/1/2021 at 3:06 PM, Ricofoley said: Anybody watch the Defector trivia games they do on Twitch every Thursday? They're pretty fun to throw on in the background while you're doing something else. I haven't watched any of their streams yet, but The Distraction podcast is good to that end. They've really done a great job with the new site, I even open/read through the newsletter most days (Luis' game review are always nice little nuggets). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thewhyteboar Posted August 13, 2021 Share Posted August 13, 2021 "That’s Kyle Shanahan, aka Football Kendall Roy. Shanny still has a losing career record and had his best assistant coach leave for the Jets. And yet not only is Shanny still here, he’s in charge of everything. You can’t take a shit at the Niners’ stadium without Kyle granting you permission. The worst part is that he just bought himself three more years of power after ruining the first retail-price quarterback he was given. Hard to believe that, in the Bay Area, a white guy with a famous dad but unremarkable accomplishments would be handed a billion-dollar company." Oh that's delightful. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amazatron Posted August 13, 2021 Share Posted August 13, 2021 37 minutes ago, thewhyteboar said: "That’s Kyle Shanahan, aka Football Kendall Roy. Shanny still has a losing career record and had his best assistant coach leave for the Jets. And yet not only is Shanny still here, he’s in charge of everything. You can’t take a shit at the Niners’ stadium without Kyle granting you permission. The worst part is that he just bought himself three more years of power after ruining the first retail-price quarterback he was given. Hard to believe that, in the Bay Area, a white guy with a famous dad but unremarkable accomplishments would be handed a billion-dollar company." Oh that's delightful. Can also apply to the CEO Jed "Jed Boy" York and Eddie D (yeah yeah, uncle). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ghost_MH Posted August 17, 2021 Author Share Posted August 17, 2021 Why Your Team Sucks 2021: New England Patriots | Defector DEFECTOR.COM Look at you now, Pats fans. You never meant a fucking thing to your favorite QB. Your team is nothing now. You are nothing. You’re so anonymous you belong in the AFC South. You’re not even fit for... I hate that nothing here is wrong and I still think that maybe Belichick is a great coach. He's really good at managing really good players, which I guess is better than the vast majority of skid marks we call NFL coaches. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thewhyteboar Posted August 19, 2021 Share Posted August 19, 2021 Omg: The Hail Mary against Buffalo was one of the worst plays ever designed and only ended up succeeding because Kyler Murray evaded 58 different oncoming pass rushers and DeAndre Hopkins outleapt the secondary like he was reaching for an antivax educational pamphlet. Why Your Team Sucks 2021: Arizona Cardinals | Defector DEFECTOR.COM I bet JJ Watt raises a lot of money for Maricopa County when the Bidwill family dumps a bunch of radium into the Arizona Canal. So that’ll be a heartwarming moment. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thewhyteboar Posted August 24, 2021 Share Posted August 24, 2021 Washington's turn: Why Your Team Sucks 2021: Washington Football Team | Defector DEFECTOR.COM You can make a case—and every fucking pregame show and local radio broadcast will attempt to do just this—that things have changed for the better in Washington. They have not. You know why. Meanwhile, everything behind that façade of clean white walls and PR meat shields will remain putrescent. Nothing Ron Rivera says matters. Nothing Jason Wright says—he’s the 20th consecutive guy to come in to Ashburn and say, “Dan has changed!”—matters. Nothing Tanya Snyder does during her husband’s six-week non-suspension matters. Nothing, not even some refreshingly inoffensive nickname that’ll be unveiled in an eight-part ESPN documentary series, makes a fucking difference. This team is still absolute scum. Snyder is still a horrible person who deserves to live at the bottom of a prison toilet. And the six fans remaining are all still pissy that their favorite team isn’t openly racist anymore. It’s all a fucking lie, and I hate it. If you buy into ANY of this rebranding, if you really think anything is different, then I’ve got magic beans to sell you. Fuck you and fuck anyone who goes along with this club. I want to watch it all burn. I look forward to the day Snyder dies more than I look forward to the day Henry Kissinger dies. This team is a domestic war crime. Drop a fucking train full of napalm onto it. Oof. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thewhyteboar Posted August 27, 2021 Share Posted August 27, 2021 Seahawks turn. Why Your Team Sucks 2021: Seattle Seahawks | Defector DEFECTOR.COM And now for something completely different: PENGUIN SKULLS. CAN YOU FUCKING IMAGINE. Fuck hating all these other teams. From now on, all I wanna do is talk about how the Seahawks are run by the penguin skull lady, who apparently screams at the help anytime she misplaces precious pteranodon hides that she had mercenaries excavate from the wreck of the fucking Lusitania. All so the gals in her bridge club can do crafts with them. “Amy is so tired of beads. That’s why I paid hired goons to loot the Larsen C ice shelf for bones of mysterious provenance!” The best supervillains are the ones you never expected. Smuggled penguin skulls. Fuck. I wonder where the skulls are now. Wtf. I'd never heard that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thewhyteboar Posted September 1, 2021 Share Posted September 1, 2021 Why Your Team Sucks 2021: Los Angeles Rams | Defector DEFECTOR.COM There are certain teams whose championship window opens and closes all in the span of a single season. The 2018 Rams were one such team. You and I know it. Their opponents certainly know it. The Rams themselves are the only people who don’t. Holy shit this letter written by a fan: Let’s talk about Enos [Stan’s real name] Kroenke. His parents named him Enos because they recognized at his birth that he was defective in character and wanted him to always have pig farming as a fallback gig. In his press photos, Enos looks like a man who cosplays Inspector Gadget and jacks off in playground bathrooms. Did you know Enos also owns Arsenal and is widely reviled in England? Sure, the fans hated him plenty before his push to move the team into the European Super League, a move so nakedly motivated by avarice that Bernie Madoff watched the ESL announcement from prison and promptly died in peace knowing that at least he wouldn’t be the greediest fucker in hell. His son Josh Kroenke is the director of Kroenke Sports Enterprises, so we know that there is yet another failson to continue the family legacy of graft. You think Stan has a bad moustache? Check out Josh’s look that screams “Those grocers will HAVE to sell me beer!” The two of them will end up buying a college sports program outright and branding the unis with ads for a daily betting site without irony. The Rams traded their 2022 and 2023 first-round picks for Stafford. Meanwhile, Jared Goff (cost: 2016 and 2017 first-round picks) is still owed $25MM against the cap this year. Todd Gurley is still getting paid and Eric Dickerson is clamoring to get him back on the squad, despite the fact that Gurley’s knees are so full of pudding that Bill Cosby is sniffing around the training room looking for an endorsement deal. Andrew Whitworth is a 39-year-old left tackle and his last day in the NFL will be spent on his knees as the assorted parts of Matt Stafford are violently littered all over the backfield. Their $5 billion new stadium will bear witness to the pageantry and spectacle of 9-8 records for the next decade. Fourteen-dollar beers will be sucked down by the drunken Raider fans in the stands who can’t follow their own team to Vegas because their ankle monitors will ping if they leave the state. The new logo looks like the backdrop for a sassy new LA morning talk show with Whoopi and a bunch of Orange County Karens yelling at each other about woke culture. It says a lot that the Chargers are more interesting than this shitbox circus. The Rams have defined “middling” since getting pantsed in the Super Bowl and that will be the last game they play in February for many, many years. Pack this team up in leaky crates and send them back from whence they came. Also, fuck Jeff Fisher with a canoe. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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