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What’s the closest you’ve ever been to committing suicide?


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I got to writing a note but doing so made me change my mind. 
 

Thinking about writing another note except this time not changing my mind. I tried. I gave it a good effort for a few more years. It’s just not working out. 
 

hbu?

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I choose to just recklessly make bad decisions that could potentially lead to my death rather than just end it myself. If I go out there'd better be a story behind it. "Oh, for about 3 seconds he DID ride that moose before he got gored. What a legend "

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Thankfully it was 20 years ago, but yeah had a blade to my throat before the police stopped me & brought me to mental health. Happy to still be here. 

 

Also, don't do suicide kids, it isn't painless & it's an awful choice to make that is nigh irreversible. 

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Swallowing a handful of pills on two occasions. But it was more based on a delusion that something extremely bad would happen if I didn't rather than feeling suicidal. 

 

edit: For anyone wondering about going through with it but hasn't gone all in yet: Holy smokes do you feel scared once you think you are actually about to die.  I think when you realize how much worse your life could be, and how much of the short time you're afforded you'll miss out on...I mean, life can be serving after serving of shit sandwich and you can't downplay how much that sucks, but forever missing out on the aspects you enjoy sucks too and the possibility of living an increased amount of those moments can make life worth living imo.  Well, that and schadenfreude. 

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I thought about it in my dark drinking days. I'd be at work constantly thinking about how I would kill myself. I'm in a much better place now and healing slowly but surely. 

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8 hours ago, SoberChef said:

Thankfully it was 20 years ago, but yeah had a blade to my throat before the police stopped me & brought me to mental health. Happy to still be here. 

 

Also, don't do suicide kids, it isn't painless & it's an awful choice to make that is nigh irreversible. 


The police brought you to mental health? Impressive. 

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28 minutes ago, ManUtdRedDevils said:

Same. Glad you are here to support my gambling addiction. 

Bet on the Hawks to go deep in the playoffs.  You're welcome.

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I cut myself a few times recently for the first time in like 8 years and it felt SO GOOD but it leaves scars so I hate that! There’s been a few times lately I had to just drop everything and run into the bedroom and hide under the blankets and stay STILL AF because I was gonna hurt myself again like that or even worse. I feel overcome with this darkness and compulsion and dread. Like I don’t necessarily want to run out to the car and drive 100 down the freeway and crash into something without a seatbelt on, but these dark thoughts are compelling me to. So instead I’ve been running into the bedroom under the blanket and digging my finger nails into my arms while I hold onto myself tight so I don’t move any further. 
 

gotta love it. 

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17 hours ago, Rachel said:

I cut myself a few times recently for the first time in like 8 years and it felt SO GOOD but it leaves scars so I hate that! There’s been a few times lately I had to just drop everything and run into the bedroom and hide under the blankets and stay STILL AF because I was gonna hurt myself again like that or even worse. I feel overcome with this darkness and compulsion and dread. Like I don’t necessarily want to run out to the car and drive 100 down the freeway and crash into something without a seatbelt on, but these dark thoughts are compelling me to. So instead I’ve been running into the bedroom under the blanket and digging my finger nails into my arms while I hold onto myself tight so I don’t move any further. 
 

gotta love it. 

 

I'm really sad reading this. How does your fiancé react to this? I truly hope you feel better and I know you're extremely knowledgeable on this subject so I won't give any advice. :(

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5 hours ago, Dodger said:

Never seriously. I generally feel pretty good mentally.


It blows my mind that there are people out there who feel this way. Fucking jealous. 

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I’m so fucking tired of being mentally unhealthy it’s getting ridiculous. It’s been 30 fucking years of this. I have done countless hours of therapy, done all the work and homework and all the coping techniques when I’m at home. I’m still miserable. I still suffer unbearable depression and panic and anxiety and derealization. I have tried medications. Nothing is really curing or healing me. From these things. I will say I have actually healed a lot from my eating disorder with therapy and that’s the only thing I’ve seen a marked improvement. But with my other diagnosises, it’s just as awful as ever. I really am starting to believe I will truly never get better or be healthy snd I don’t know if I can bear an entire rest of my lifetime living this way. 

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13 minutes ago, Rachel said:

I’m so fucking tired of being mentally unhealthy it’s getting ridiculous. It’s been 30 fucking years of this. I have done countless hours of therapy, done all the work and homework and all the coping techniques when I’m at home. I’m still miserable. I still suffer unbearable depression and panic and anxiety and derealization. I have tried medications. Nothing is really curing or healing me. From these things. I will say I have actually healed a lot from my eating disorder with therapy and that’s the only thing I’ve seen a marked improvement. But with my other diagnosises, it’s just as awful as ever. I really am starting to believe I will truly never get better or be healthy snd I don’t know if I can bear an entire rest of my lifetime living this way. 

Are you in therapy now or have you given it up?

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40 minutes ago, Fizzzzle said:

Are you in therapy now or have you given it up?


Haven’t been in therapy for over a year because I moved to America and lost health care. 
 

I try my best to cope without it, still do all my tools and coping skills I learned and I use free therapy apps to supplement which help a bit. Therapy has always helped but nothing has ever cured. Therapy would be nice now but even with regular consistent quality therapy for years I’ve continued to have regular extreme lows and just a general dysfunction even on the average day. I am almost fully convinced at this point that my brain is just broken. 

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14 minutes ago, Rachel said:


Haven’t been in therapy for over a year because I moved to America and lost health care. 
 

I try my best to cope without it, still do all my tools and coping skills I learned and I use free therapy apps to supplement which help a bit. Therapy has always helped but nothing has ever cured. Therapy would be nice now but even with regular consistent quality therapy for years I’ve continued to have regular extreme lows and just a general dysfunction even on the average day. I am almost fully convinced at this point that my brain is just broken. 

I mean, I can't exactly help you or anything, but just know you're not alone in that. There are some days where all I can do is just try not to think about it, so I distract myself with video games, watching stupid action movies, drinking, writing, or all of the above. Focusing on something else (or in the case of alcohol, making it so I can't focus) gets me out of my own head, because my own head is somewhere I don't want to be.

 

But, ultimately, I remember that I like those things. If I died tomorrow, I wouldn't be here when Fast & Furious 9 comes out. Can't have that.

 

That probably wasn't any help nor would I presume to tell you that you need it. The lows will come and go, but there are highs, too.

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8 minutes ago, Fizzzzle said:

I mean, I can't exactly help you or anything, but just know you're not alone in that. There are some days where all I can do is just try not to think about it, so I distract myself with video games, watching stupid action movies, drinking, writing, or all of the above. Focusing on something else (or in the case of alcohol, making it so I can't focus) gets me out of my own head, because my own head is somewhere I don't want to be.

 

But, ultimately, I remember that I like those things. If I died tomorrow, I wouldn't be here when Fast & Furious 9 comes out. Can't have that.

 

That probably wasn't any help nor would I presume to tell you that you need it. The lows will come and go, but there are highs, too.


I appreciate the support snd also it’s kind of invalidating, like everyone struggles and some people are more severe than others. Some moments are more severe than others. When I have to do everything in my willpower to physically restrain myself to not seriously injure or kill myself the thought of “teehee if I die I won’t get to play a video game” doesn’t really mean shit. In an calmer moment maybe. 
 

Some people can cope the way you described and manage long term despite the lows. Some people are in unimaginable despair that average coping skills can’t keep up with. Some people aren’t meant for this world. 
 

If mere distractions and trying not to think about it were the answer for everyone then boom we’d cure all mental health disorders 

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1 hour ago, Fizzzzle said:

Are you in therapy now or have you given it up?


this post did inspire me though to look up some low income mental health resources in my area. I’m going to call a place tomorrow see if they can help me. 

 

also I’m sorry if I came off rude I know you were just trying to be supportive thank you I appreciate it 

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6 minutes ago, Rachel said:


I appreciate the support snd also it’s kind of invalidating, like everyone struggles and some people are more severe than others. Some moments are more severe than others. When I have to do everything in my willpower to physically restrain myself to not seriously injure or kill myself the thought of “teehee if I die I won’t get to play a video game” doesn’t really mean shit. In an calmer moment maybe. 
 

Some people can cope the way you described and manage long term despite the lows. Some people are in unimaginable despair that average coping skills can’t keep up with. Some people aren’t meant for this world. 
 

If mere distractions and trying not to think about it were the answer for everyone then boom we’d cure all mental health disorders 

Sure. Like I said it probably doesn't help and I can't be in your head, just as you can't be in mine. I don't know what you're going through. But I hope you find a way to cope.

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5 hours ago, Fizzzzle said:

Sure. Like I said it probably doesn't help and I can't be in your head, just as you can't be in mine. I don't know what you're going through. But I hope you find a way to cope.


i made a second reply didnyounSEE IT

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9 minutes ago, Rachel said:


i made a second reply didnyounSEE IT

Yes but we posted them at basically the same time and there are no take-backsies in this life

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I’ve never seriously considered suicide, thankfully. I deal with some depression and anxiety and decided to go back on Lexapro in January and it’s helped so much. 
 

I keep saying I’m going to see a therapist because I’ve got issues I still haven’t fully dealt with, but I haven’t gotten around to it for some reason. 

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20 hours ago, Rachel said:

I’m so fucking tired of being mentally unhealthy it’s getting ridiculous. It’s been 30 fucking years of this. I have done countless hours of therapy, done all the work and homework and all the coping techniques when I’m at home. I’m still miserable. I still suffer unbearable depression and panic and anxiety and derealization. I have tried medications. Nothing is really curing or healing me. From these things. I will say I have actually healed a lot from my eating disorder with therapy and that’s the only thing I’ve seen a marked improvement. But with my other diagnosises, it’s just as awful as ever. I really am starting to believe I will truly never get better or be healthy snd I don’t know if I can bear an entire rest of my lifetime living this way. 

 

There's nothing I can say that will help you. I feel really sad that you're not finding anyway to get better. I just want to say I feel for you and really hope you get better some how some way. I hate reading things like this because I feel I want to help but there's nothing I can do. Just keep doing your best each day in trying to stay positive and keep trying to find ways to improve your life. You have a fiancé now so you're not alone. Feed off of him and use his support. 

 

Trust me, I feel hopless some days and I always feel as though I wasn't supposed to be born. It's a struggle everyday but I keep fighting and that's what you have to do, too. I luv you and really hope you figure things out. Just never give up.

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I tried to OD on tylenol during HS. Ended up only taking enough to feel sick though.

 

@Rachel keep trying meds. There are so many and it's basically trial and error finding the right one. I also want to recommend weed. I still take my anti-depressant but I find the weed is enough.

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2 hours ago, Zaku3 said:

I tried to OD on tylenol during HS. Ended up only taking enough to feel sick though.

 

@Rachel keep trying meds. There are so many and it's basically trial and error finding the right one. I also want to recommend weed. I still take my anti-depressant but I find the weed is enough.


Meds are tricky because I have somatic symptom disorder so any weird side effect or even a totally normal feeling from meds makes me panic like fucking CRAZY. It’s a tricky barrier and I’m working on improving my SSD and maybe someday soon I’ll be in a place to try more meds again. 
 

I do smoke weed. When my mental health is more severe it actually makes me feel worse. So I’ve barely been smoking it the last few weeks. Maybe smoked it 2 or 3 times in as many weeks. But when I’m feeling mentally stable enough for cannabis I love it and will smoke it most days. 

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1 hour ago, Commissar SFLUFAN said:

Now, when it comes to killing OTHER people - that's a practically an "every 5 minutes" kinda thing!

 

:| Really? I don't get you at all. Andrea has described you perfectly in the past. I'll leave it at that.

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2 hours ago, Commissar SFLUFAN said:

Absolutely never.

 

Now, when it comes to killing OTHER people - that's a practically an "every 5 minutes" kinda thing!

Same. What do your voices say about killing method?

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This was a serious thread with someone who is struggling a lot right now. I don't think posting what wade did was appropriate. I may have overreacted last evening and I apologize for my post but I just think what he said wasn't funny or beneficial to the thread. Obviously we're in the "asylum" section of the board so things can go this way. 

 

:/

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I reached out to an agency that did an intake assessment with me, and then I had a session with a therapist. Both visits were covered. They were very thorough and are developing a treatment plan for me and are submitting me for state funding so my sessions will be covered. Hopefully they’re fully covered or at least sliding scale so they’re much cheaper. 
 

Also I received a new diagnosis that is blowing my mind because it’s fucking accurate and explains a lot. It encompasses most of the other diagnoses I’ve already had and brings it all together. It also gives me hope that maybe I can actually get some help. And it’s nice going online and reading about other’s experiences and realizing I’m not alone and maybe I’m not just a bad person after all. 

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2 hours ago, Rachel said:

I reached out to an agency that did an intake assessment with me, and then I had a session with a therapist. Both visits were covered. They were very thorough and are developing a treatment plan for me and are submitting me for state funding so my sessions will be covered. Hopefully they’re fully covered or at least sliding scale so they’re much cheaper. 
 

Also I received a new diagnosis that is blowing my mind because it’s fucking accurate and explains a lot. It encompasses most of the other diagnoses I’ve already had and brings it all together. It also gives me hope that maybe I can actually get some help. And it’s nice going online and reading about other’s experiences and realizing I’m not alone and maybe I’m not just a bad person after all. 

Kudos for your fiance for not showing you where he hides his firearm. Glad you found some help.

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4 hours ago, Rachel said:

I reached out to an agency that did an intake assessment with me, and then I had a session with a therapist. Both visits were covered. They were very thorough and are developing a treatment plan for me and are submitting me for state funding so my sessions will be covered. Hopefully they’re fully covered or at least sliding scale so they’re much cheaper. 
 

Also I received a new diagnosis that is blowing my mind because it’s fucking accurate and explains a lot. It encompasses most of the other diagnoses I’ve already had and brings it all together. It also gives me hope that maybe I can actually get some help. And it’s nice going online and reading about other’s experiences and realizing I’m not alone and maybe I’m not just a bad person after all. 

 

This is terrific news. Really happy to read this. Good job in reaching out. 

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