We are happy to have you reconnected with the world via the Russianet and, as a citizen of the former United States of America yourself, we would like to welcome you to the newest territory of the Russian empire: the Confederate States of Russia. We are happy to have you as part of our family and you are among our newest additions alongside the nation state of Georgia and the region of Crimea. Much has changed since you last heard about the western hemisphere via the "Internet." Allow me to provide you with a few quick facts and reminders to be able to guide you through this brave new world where we serve alongside Comrade Papa Bear Putin for the glory of Mother Russia!
First: Since reforming your government the role of "President of the United States" has become obsolete. Your former President Donald Trump now serves faithfully in his role as "cuck bitch durak in chief" (afterwards: CBDC) of the Confederate Russian territories. To the surprise of nobody, your former Vice President was found committing homosexual acts and was promptly executed since this is Russian law. Vice cuck bitch durak Paul Ryan now serves alongside CBDC. This is a mostly ceremonial role that involves helping CBDC to do things such as wipe his ass, accept criticism for and in behalf of CBDC, etc. This is of course modeled after how CBDC does this for Comrade Papa Bear Putin. VCBD and CBDC serve to further your interests and well-being--which, of course, are the interests and well-being of the Russian state--which, of course, are the interests and well-being of the few pure-blood Russian elites and oligarchy.
Second: The first and greatest perk of being a slav is our tangy vodka. Also track suits. Please provide us with your address so we can ship these to you post haste. We will not use this information to put you on a list of potential dissenters.
Third: Though you are a participant of the Russian empire, you do not have full citizenship rights, and thus cannot exercise such privileges as forming relationships with our beautiful Eastern European women, growing your own potatoes and/or beets, or chain-smoking day and night since your cigarette rations are limited to one pack per week.
These are the most immediate and useful facts you need to know in this moment. A full pamphlet and identification kit will be shipped with your track suit and vodka.
For the glory of Mother Russia,
Ministry of Truth, Peace, Plenty, and Love (TPPL or "Topple")