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I am raging so hard right now.

Uncle Lucians Tales of Horror

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#1 Lucian04

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Posted 23 May 2012 - 05:57 PM

If there is one thing I hate more than stupid customers is stupid customers who are completely irrational and incognizant as to why they are currently in the situation that they are in.  I'll get to the good stuff without getting too into the details since I could write an entire report on this particular situation.



I walk into my Stamford office at 4:30PM and hear my book keeper yelling in the back room.  I go to investigate only to find her yelling at a client of mine over the phone.


"What's going on?"

"This lady is absolutely belligerent and refuses to listen.  You deal with her."

I pick up the phone as my book keeper storms out the room.  It's at my waist and I can already hear a females voice on the other side of the line cursing up a storm.

"How may I help you?"

"Who the fuck are you?  I want to speak to the lady who took my money!"

"I am the broker for this agency, could you please lower your voice and refrain from using vulgar language."

"Why the fuck should I listen to you!?  I want my fucking money back you fucking bunch of thieves!"

"Miss, I would love to help you but please, lower your voice and stop swearing.  What is your name?"

*Names are omitted as usual

"Jane Doe.  I came there ten days ago to get my car registered and I've been getting the fucking run around!  Always tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow!  I'm paying for insurance and want my shit now!"

"I apologize for your inconvenience, but the delay in processing your registration is not without cause."

"I don't want to hear any excuses, I just want my money back!"

"I'm sorry miss, but we have a strict no refund policy for our motor vehicle services, there are signs on the wall and our policy is explained to everyone who requests our services."

"That's bullshit!  You haven't done anything!  You're just stealing my money!  That's what you do isn't it!?  You just take money from people and don't do anything and just tell them "Tomorrow" until they go away!"

I'm really getting agitated now, I raise my voice a little but not enough to sound like I'm losing my cool.

"Like I said miss, I apologize for the delay, but please understand that it's not without cause.  My runner has gone to the DMV twice for you.  On 5/11 she found out that both you and your husband owed taxes and in order to do a transfer between parties, both parties need to have their property taxes paid up to date."

"I never paid no taxes in my life!  I never owed taxes so that's another one of your bullshit excuses."

Her husband (or should I say, now ex-husband) had brought in the tax releases for both himself and this bitch a few days after my secretaries contacted him.  In case you're wondering.

"Well apparently you did miss.  Not to mention that my runner went once more on 5/15, after receiving the tax releases, only to find out that there is an unsatisfied lien on the vehicle.  According to the notes we requested the lien release and your husband was unable to produce it."

"Fucking thief, another one of your thief excuses."

Now I'm getting angry and start speaking loudly and sternly over the voice of this woman who's calling me a thief and cursing me out.

"YOUR HUSBAND ASKED US TO MODIFY THE PAPER WORK SO AS TO RENEW THE CAR IN HIS NAME EXCEPT THAT WE DISCOVERED THAT HE IS TWO YEARS LATE FOR HIS EMISSIONS TEST AND CANNOT REGISTER THE VEHICLE UNTIL THE EMISSIONS WERE COMPLETED!  WE WENT TODAY TO APPLY FOR TEMPORARY PLATES AFTER YOUR HUSBAND STATED THAT HE WAS UNABLE TO GET THE EMISSIONS AND WERE DENIED ACCESS TO THE DMV AS WE HAVE ALREADY BEEN TO THE DMV THREE TIMES BEFORE HAND TODAY!"

Sometimes, after a certain amount of transactions have been processed, we get kicked out of the DMV because we're not a dealership.  We're also unable to perform transactions after 3PM, so I have to get as much done as possible before hand so problems get sent to the back of the line.

"Then why do the girls tell me TOMORROW or THE NEXT DAY or SOON instead of telling me a WEEK LATER!?"

"I don't know miss.  I'm not a fucking magician or prophet or fortune teller or whatever the fuck they call themselves.  All I know is that this delay could have been entirely avoided had you kept on top of your shit from the get go."

"I'm on top of my shit alright, you want to start shit, lets go!"

"I'll tell you what.  I'm going to go to the DMV at 8AM.  I'm going to PERSONALLY get your temporary plates and I will personally hand deliver them to you at 930AM at my office.  Continue harassing my employees and I will contact the authorities and I WILL request a restraining order."

She starts cursing at me in Spanish, so I continue to talk over her voice.

"Furthermore, you will no longer be a welcome customer at my agency and I have let everyone in both my offices know not to render any services for you.  I've put a flag on your file in my management system, if I so much as sense that you're sending other people to do business at my agency on your behalf, I will kick them the fuck out of my office and I will take a whole week out of my time just to contact every agent, every broker within 50 miles of my office and tell them why they should refuse you."

"Oh yeah?  You going to do that!?  You going to call the cops and tell people not to do business with me!?  That's alright, I got you.  I'm going to tell everyone what a fucking thief you are!"

*CLICK.  She hangs up.

I spoke to her son (he sounds like he's around 23-24 years old) a few minutes later after I called her up with a mind to curse her the fuck out.  I have to say that I literally cannot believe this man I spoke to came out of that vile woman's womb.  He was such a pleasure to speak with, listened to everything I had to say and understood where I was coming from when I explained to him that I am no longer doing business with his mother.  How the fuck does that happen?

#2 Jason

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Posted 23 May 2012 - 06:12 PM

Why did you steal her money doe you filthy thieving Mexican? Nowhere in that story do you provide a reasonable explanation for that.

MaƱana indeed!
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View PostEngel, on 22 April 2014 - 10:55 PM, said:

This isn't the way to go about it though Biggie.  Unlike being gay like @LionFranco , trans like @ Kaitlyn_Bykova , a woman like @Linda05 , or fat like @Biggie_Rich there is nothing inherently wrong with Jason being Jewish.  Now if he uses his Jew abilities like superior money management, superior legal acumen, or by calling the secret number he has for the AIPAC that controls the US or any other similar organization around the world, or his razor sharp hook nose to harm others then you can deride him for being a Jew.

Look Biggie, I'm sorry you can't see your own dick but insulting Jason like that just isn't the way to do things.  Remember his people rule the world, he can get you.

#3 Comet

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Posted 23 May 2012 - 06:13 PM

Love these stories
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#4 CMack

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Posted 23 May 2012 - 06:16 PM

I've been on the phone with MS customer support for an hour now

-Called the hardware division, got transferred to an "expert," got transferred to xbox, got transferred to hardware, now transferred to another "expert"

View Postohioguy24, on 06 April 2013 - 10:20 PM, said:

What's not to understand that the house is worth much .more than what its worth.

#5 HUNK

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Posted 23 May 2012 - 06:23 PM

View PostComet, on 23 May 2012 - 06:13 PM, said:

Love these stories


#6 Jason

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Posted 23 May 2012 - 06:24 PM

View PostCMack, on 23 May 2012 - 06:16 PM, said:

I've been on the phone with MS customer support for an hour now

-Called the hardware division, got transferred to an "expert," got transferred to xbox, got transferred to hardware, now transferred to another "expert"

I was ready to commit murder a couple of weeks ago. Paid for the next day shipping for a Kindle, but missed the UPS guy. He gave one little buzz on the buzzer and then ran away--I ignore those if I'm not expecting someone (my packages usually don't come until the afternoon), as it's usually just someone trying to get into the building who may or may not have any business being there. However the fucker didn't leave a missed package slip, so I didn't find out until I plugged the tracking number into ups.com from Amazon and found out that it was "missed delivery - signature required."

Still, this would not have been so bad, if UPS would let me pick it up at the UPS store a few blocks away from me. When I missed the sign-on-delivery package with my internship offer last year, it was delivered by FedEx, so I was able to tell them to hold it near my apartment and picked it up on my way back from the gym. But UPS will only let me pick up packages at their center on 43rd St and 11th Avenue (I live on 110th and Amsterdam). This adds up to me having spent extra money for next day delivery and being reward by getting to spend an hour on the subway and thirty minutes on foot to do UPS's fucking job. This is not the first time UPS has pulled this shit on me either--the first time was in fucking August though which was a miserable experience walking around in the urban heat.

When I called Amazon to see if they could help me I may or may not have told the service rep to pass along to anyone who was positioned to properly consider my complaint that I'd rather be shot in the head than have to deal with a sign-on-delivery package from UPS. I at least have had time to kill lately, I can't imagine having to deal with UPS's bullshit if you have a job to be running around doing their fucking job for them.

Oh, and this happened on a Friday, which meant I now had to wait to Monday to get my package.



So glad I'm moving to a doorman building and won't have to worry about dealing with UPS's shit any more.
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View PostEngel, on 22 April 2014 - 10:55 PM, said:

This isn't the way to go about it though Biggie.  Unlike being gay like @LionFranco , trans like @ Kaitlyn_Bykova , a woman like @Linda05 , or fat like @Biggie_Rich there is nothing inherently wrong with Jason being Jewish.  Now if he uses his Jew abilities like superior money management, superior legal acumen, or by calling the secret number he has for the AIPAC that controls the US or any other similar organization around the world, or his razor sharp hook nose to harm others then you can deride him for being a Jew.

Look Biggie, I'm sorry you can't see your own dick but insulting Jason like that just isn't the way to do things.  Remember his people rule the world, he can get you.

#7 CMack

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Posted 23 May 2012 - 06:27 PM

they say I have to pay for them to help me :| :| :|

View Postohioguy24, on 06 April 2013 - 10:20 PM, said:

What's not to understand that the house is worth much .more than what its worth.

#8 BlueAngel

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Posted 23 May 2012 - 06:28 PM

View PostComet, on 23 May 2012 - 06:13 PM, said:

Love these stories
Me too.
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#9 CMack

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Posted 23 May 2012 - 06:29 PM

they sent me to: http://support.microsoft.com/fixit/

and said to call XBOX again.  WHAT THE FUCK

View Postohioguy24, on 06 April 2013 - 10:20 PM, said:

What's not to understand that the house is worth much .more than what its worth.

#10 gamer.tv

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Posted 23 May 2012 - 06:32 PM

I love your work threads and people are so strange. I guess her swearing and threatening has worked in the past for her.

...and it's ending one minute at a time.


#11 Jason

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Posted 23 May 2012 - 06:35 PM

View PostCMack, on 23 May 2012 - 06:29 PM, said:

they sent me to: http://support.microsoft.com/fixit/

and said to call XBOX again.  WHAT THE FUCK

Wanna form a Justice League that combats companies with retarded customer service?
Our liability coverage is zero. Our balls, however, are enormous.

Alf likes my dick. I can have him forward it to you.

View PostEngel, on 22 April 2014 - 10:55 PM, said:

This isn't the way to go about it though Biggie.  Unlike being gay like @LionFranco , trans like @ Kaitlyn_Bykova , a woman like @Linda05 , or fat like @Biggie_Rich there is nothing inherently wrong with Jason being Jewish.  Now if he uses his Jew abilities like superior money management, superior legal acumen, or by calling the secret number he has for the AIPAC that controls the US or any other similar organization around the world, or his razor sharp hook nose to harm others then you can deride him for being a Jew.

Look Biggie, I'm sorry you can't see your own dick but insulting Jason like that just isn't the way to do things.  Remember his people rule the world, he can get you.

#12 CMack

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Posted 23 May 2012 - 06:45 PM

I'm so mad, it's been almost 2 hours now

View Postohioguy24, on 06 April 2013 - 10:20 PM, said:

What's not to understand that the house is worth much .more than what its worth.

#13 baserock love

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Posted 23 May 2012 - 06:56 PM

So wait, in a sense, she paid you for services that can't happen till they do a whole bunch of shit which they may or may not do, and you won't refund them their money?  I probably don't know much about how the process works but that sounds like ridiculously shady business practices.
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#14 Lucian04

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Posted 23 May 2012 - 07:17 PM

View Postbaserock love, on 23 May 2012 - 06:56 PM, said:

So wait, in a sense, she paid you for services that can't happen till they do a whole bunch of shit which they may or may not do, and you won't refund them their money?  I probably don't know much about how the process works but that sounds like ridiculously shady business practices.

Everything is explained up front to the customer as to what we can, cannot and will not do for them.  We fill out the paper work with the client and its up to them to make sure that they have everything in order.  If we ask the customer do they owe property taxes and they say no, yet my runner gets denied for that very reason, I still have to pay her for her time. I don't charge any additional fees unless an issue requires that I go to Wethersfield.  Believe me.  No one gets ripped off.  Some people are just plain stupid or lie or leave out information.  I have handed out refunds for situations caused by outside forces though, like one guy I took care of bought a used car from a dealership and it turned out the car was stolen.

#15 elbobo

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Posted 23 May 2012 - 07:31 PM

I am so happy I don't have to deal with the public. I am pretty level headed but I would lose my shit at some point in such an epic fashion that years down the line after I was fired people that witnessed the explosion would still be telling tales of it.

#16 Lucian04

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Posted 23 May 2012 - 07:42 PM

View Postelbobo, on 23 May 2012 - 07:31 PM, said:

I am so happy I don't have to deal with the public. I am pretty level headed but I would lose my shit at some point in such an epic fashion that years down the line after I was fired people that witnessed the explosion would still be telling tales of it.

I hear ya.  I try to interact with customers as little as possible.

#17 baserock love

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Posted 23 May 2012 - 07:44 PM

View PostLucian04, on 23 May 2012 - 07:17 PM, said:

Everything is explained up front to the customer as to what we can, cannot and will not do for them.  We fill out the paper work with the client and its up to them to make sure that they have everything in order.  If we ask the customer do they owe property taxes and they say no, yet my runner gets denied for that very reason, I still have to pay her for her time. I don't charge any additional fees unless an issue requires that I go to Wethersfield.  Believe me.  No one gets ripped off.  Some people are just plain stupid or lie or leave out information.  I have handed out refunds for situations caused by outside forces though, like one guy I took care of bought a used car from a dealership and it turned out the car was stolen.

So what happens if they either can't or don't take care of what they need to do to get what they paid for, they're just screwed and they're out money for insurance they never recieved?  That just seems shady to me.

I mean, i make my living right now doing freelance art type things, pretty much whatever people want me to do, i have been using this as a side job for over a decade and i've definitely had difficult clients, or ones that had second thoughts or people that had shit happen.  If i've invested labor hours on their job and they can't go forward with it, i refund them their money minus the hours spent if they haven't paid in full.  I had a guy pay me half of my fee of a couple grand for character art connected to some mmorpg accounts he was auctioning, something the people playing the accounts for him did made them worthless and he no longer needed art for them for whatever his weird business model was.  I had already put in a lot of time into it but he still got most of his money that i hadn't worked off back, only seems fair you could refund them whatever isn't accounted for already.  I assume a lot of that money would go towards the actual insurance or whatever the hell it is they're buying.
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#18 NeoJoe

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Posted 23 May 2012 - 07:51 PM

I thought I read "raging hard on". Never mind.
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#19 stepee

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Posted 23 May 2012 - 07:54 PM

lol I'll be honest I did too
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#20 Lucian04

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Posted 23 May 2012 - 08:25 PM

View Postbaserock love, on 23 May 2012 - 07:44 PM, said:

So what happens if they either can't or don't take care of what they need to do to get what they paid for, they're just screwed and they're out money for insurance they never recieved?  That just seems shady to me.

I mean, i make my living right now doing freelance art type things, pretty much whatever people want me to do, i have been using this as a side job for over a decade and i've definitely had difficult clients, or ones that had second thoughts or people that had shit happen.  If i've invested labor hours on their job and they can't go forward with it, i refund them their money minus the hours spent if they haven't paid in full.  I had a guy pay me half of my fee of a couple grand for character art connected to some mmorpg accounts he was auctioning, something the people playing the accounts for him did made them worthless and he no longer needed art for them for whatever his weird business model was.  I had already put in a lot of time into it but he still got most of his money that i hadn't worked off back, only seems fair you could refund them whatever isn't accounted for already.  I assume a lot of that money would go towards the actual insurance or whatever the hell it is they're buying.

It's a service that they are buying that is completely and entirely separate from insurance sales.  This is the basic break down:


Customer comes in asking for a quote

We find the cheapest policy for them that suits their needs unless they specifically request certain coverage/companies

We encourage them to go on EFT and pay directly to the company.  The only thing we charge for the sale of an insurance policy is a brokers fee in accordance to CT Insurance law, it's similar to a dealers conveyance fee if you're wondering.  It's a one time fee that's never charged again unless the client opens a brand new policy.

The insured inquires about our registration services and we explain the service to them.  If they choose to accept, they sign a service fee agreement, from there we ask a few common questions (Do you owe property taxes, do you have a lien release, is this vehicle for commercial or personal use, etc, etc.  Some are already answered during the interview process for their insurance policy so we can skip those.  

After all of the paper work has been filled out we collect a DMV service fee which is 100% separate from insurance and literally has nothing to do with the insurance policy itself.  Depending on our current load, we promise the client their plates, temp plates, renewals, etc within 24 to 72 hours.  95% of the time, we have absolutely no problems and our clients typically get what they paid for the following day.

If the client decides to cancel services prior to me sending a runner to DMV for them (Car broke down, etc) then I will refund them their money minus a fee for preparing the paperwork.  If the client decides to cancel after services are rendered (IE: I send a runner to the DMV and she gets the plates/temps/etc), then I give them the number and form to request a refund from the DMV and bid them a good day.  Services were rendered, people need to get paid.  If there is a situation that is out of our control before, during or after services are rendered, such as the client I mentioned before who unwittingly bought a stolen car, then I'll refund the service in full.  But like I said, save for some circumstantial situations, no refunds.  If the client wants to cancel their policy as well, I keep my brokers fee and the insurance company will give them a pro rated refund.

So please, get it out of your mind that I'm commingling service money with premium (fiduciary) money because I'm not.




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